The offseason is now in full swing. The Cup has been won, the beards shaved, the players re-signed. Aside from the continuing adventures of the Stanley Cup, there’s not a whole lot happening in the hockey world. Until now! Presenting a new series in which we will finally understand the true nature of the world champion 2017-18 Washington Capitals through the prism of stupid popular culture. I’m calling it Not Up For Debate because everyone everywhere will agree that these are the universal consensus picks.
In this episode: What if the Caps lived in Springfield and stopped being funny in the early 90s?
Nicklas Backstrom, Comic Book Guy
He’s better than you and he knows it.
Jay Beagle, Dr. Nick
Well, at least he’s rich now.
Madison Bowey, Duffman
Underrated partier.
Andre Burakovsky, Ralph Wiggum
He keeps bending his wookiee.
John Carlson, Troy McClure
You might remember him from such videos as “I scored the GWG in the WJC final.”
Alex Chiasson, Poochie
He has returned to his home planet.
Taylor Chorney, Edna Krabappel
Gone too soon.
Brett Connolly, Jimbo
The third line’s slacker.
Christian Djoos, Supernintendo Chalmers
He’s often in charge of a guy who’s a bit over his head.
Lars Eller, Bumble Bee Man
Neglected by some (especially in Montreal) but beloved by those in the know.
Philipp Grubauer, Fat Tony
Nice save percentage you got there. It’d be a shame if something were to happen to it.
Braden Holtby, Rex Banner
Far beyond driven.
Jakub Jerabek, Louie
This is the first part of a two-part joke.
Michal Kempny, Legs
This is the second part of the joke.
Evgeny Kuznetsov, Groundskeeper Willie
He makes his own fun and he doesn’t care if you don’t get it.
Matt Niskanen, Kang
Secretly, he’s actually in charge of the whole team.
Dmitry Orlov, Kodos
(See above.)
Brooks Orpik, Skinner
Isometric exercise. Care to join me?
TJ Oshie, Jasper
Doesn’t score much anymore, but he can still deliver a paddlin’.
Alex Ovechkin, Bart
Obviously.
Devante Smith-Pelly, Gil
This pick made more sense when he was a NJD buyout and before he became a playoff clutch god.
Chandler Stephenson, Sideshow Bob
Spent a lot of time out of action, but when he gets a chance he can be deadly.
Jakub Vrana, Hans Moleman
I believe he was scratched 82 times last season, oh dear.
Nathan Walker, Kent Brockman
“Joblessness is no longer for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.”
Tom Wilson, Otto
Yes.
Though the series is called Not Up For Debate, I’m leaving the comments open. So you can compliment me. For the very good picks. Appreciate the congrats.
