The offseason is now in full swing. The Cup has been won, the beards shaved, the players re-signed. Aside from the continuing adventures of the Stanley Cup, there’s not a whole lot happening in the hockey world. Until now! Presenting a new series in which we will finally understand the true nature of the world champion 2017-18 Washington Capitals through the prism of stupid popular culture. I’m calling it Not Up For Debate because everyone everywhere will agree that these are the universal consensus picks.
In this episode: What if the Caps played Mario Kart?
Nicklas Backstrom, Shy Guy
This was a layup.
Jay Beagle, Toad
Max speed is an issue.
Madison Bowey, Green Yoshi
Folks, I’m gonna be real. There are gonna be a lot of Yoshis here, and I’ve been doing this bit for multiple weeks, so just go with me.
Andre Burakovsky, Diddy Kong
He’ll get bigger and tougher eventually.
John Carlson, Peach
I hope we’ve not internalized misogyny to the point that we see this as an insult rather than a compliment to Carlson’s speed, finesse, and prettiness.
Alex Chiasson, Rosalina
Did you just say, “who?” Exactly.
Taylor Chorney, Birdo
Did not appear in Mario Kart 8.
Brett Connolly, Baby Mario
He brings a lesser form of the danger that big boy Mario brings.
Christian Djoos, Blue Yoshi
Like Yoshi, except blue. Yes, I’m phoning this in at this point.
Lars Eller, Luigi
The death stare is for Marc Bergevin.
Philipp Grubauer, Waluigi
Dominant, devious. (p.s. best character in Kart 9, imo)
Braden Holtby, Lakitu
Powerful but aloof.
Jakub Jerabek, Light Blue Yoshi
Like Yoshi, except light blue. This is a lot of work.
Michal Kempny, Yellow Yoshi
Like Yoshi, except yellow. You know, a lot of people wouldn’t publish anything on a hockey site in August.
Evgeny Kuznetsov, Peach
None but Peach has the confident swagger that Kuzy brings to his offense.
Matt Niskanen, Koopa Troopa
The normalest.
Dmitry Orlov, Toad
Low center of gravity helps with hip checks.
Brooks Orpik, Wario
He’s up to something…
TJ Oshie, Mario
Beloved for his balance, but top-end attack is lacking.
Alex Ovechkin, Wario
I like to imagine Ovi laughs just like Wario.
Devante Smith-Pelly, Red Yoshi
Like Yoshi, except red. Have you seen the new Mission Impossible movie? It’s great.
Chandler Stephenson, Black Yoshi
Like Yoshi, except black. What’s the deal with Chipotle and foodborne illnesses?
Jakub Vrana, Pink Gold Peach
Sometimes disliked for spurious aesthetic reasons. Actually solid af.
Nathan Walker, Dry Bones
Probably the most Australian Kart character. Prove me wrong.
Tom Wilson, Donkey Kong
Obviously.
Though the series is called Not Up For Debate, I’m leaving the comments open. So you can compliment me. For the very good picks. Appreciate the congrats.
Closing note: Thank you for reading this stupid, stupid, deeply stupid series. The Caps are Stanley Cup Champions, and nothing is forbidden anymore.
