The offseason is now in full swing. The Cup has been won, the beards shaved, the players re-signed. Aside from the continuing adventures of the Stanley Cup, there’s not a whole lot happening in the hockey world. Until now! Presenting a new series in which we will finally understand the true nature of the world champion 2017-18 Washington Capitals through the prism of stupid popular culture. I’m calling it Not Up For Debate because everyone everywhere will agree that these are the universal consensus picks.
In this episode: What if the Caps played Mario Kart?
This was a layup.
Max speed is an issue.
Folks, I’m gonna be real. There are gonna be a lot of Yoshis here, and I’ve been doing this bit for multiple weeks, so just go with me.
He’ll get bigger and tougher eventually.
I hope we’ve not internalized misogyny to the point that we see this as an insult rather than a compliment to Carlson’s speed, finesse, and prettiness.
Did you just say, “who?” Exactly.
Did not appear in Mario Kart 8.
He brings a lesser form of the danger that big boy Mario brings.
Like Yoshi, except blue. Yes, I’m phoning this in at this point.
The death stare is for Marc Bergevin.
Dominant, devious. (p.s. best character in Kart 9, imo)
Powerful but aloof.
Like Yoshi, except light blue. This is a lot of work.
Like Yoshi, except yellow. You know, a lot of people wouldn’t publish anything on a hockey site in August.
None but Peach has the confident swagger that Kuzy brings to his offense.
Low center of gravity helps with hip checks.
He’s up to something…
Beloved for his balance, but top-end attack is lacking.
I like to imagine Ovi laughs just like Wario.
Like Yoshi, except red. Have you seen the new Mission Impossible movie? It’s great.
Like Yoshi, except black. What’s the deal with Chipotle and foodborne illnesses?
Sometimes disliked for spurious aesthetic reasons. Actually solid af.
Probably the most Australian Kart character. Prove me wrong.
Though the series is called Not Up For Debate, I’m leaving the comments open. So you can compliment me. For the very good picks. Appreciate the congrats.
Closing note: Thank you for reading this stupid, stupid, deeply stupid series. The Caps are Stanley Cup Champions, and nothing is forbidden anymore.
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
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