The offseason is now in full swing. The Cup has been won, the beards shaved, the players re-signed. Aside from the continuing adventures of the Stanley Cup, there’s not a whole lot happening in the hockey world. Until now! Presenting a new series in which we will finally understand the true nature of the world champion 2017-18 Washington Capitals through the prism of stupid popular culture. I’m calling it Not Up For Debate because everyone everywhere will agree that these are the universal consensus picks.
In this episode: What if the Caps enrolled at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters?
Nicklas Backstrom, Cyclops
Tactical genius. Leadership. Doesn’t season his food enough.
Jay Beagle, Gambit
Fan-favorite but underpowered.
Madison Bowey, Wolfsbane
He’s gonna wolf out next season; we’re gonna see less of Rhane Bowey. I’m calling it.
Andre Burakovsky, Cypher
Seems powerless, but I’m not so sure.
John Carlson, Armor
Couldn’t play 106 games and 2600-plus minutes last season without being tough.
Alex Chiasson, Forge
I dunno.
Taylor Chorney, Xorn
Can we please stop retconning Chorney please?
Brett Connolly, Sabretooth
Because Sabretooth is just a bottom-six Wolverine.
Christian Djoos, Lockheed
Treated as a sidekick, but there’s so much more there.
Lars Eller, Nightcrawler
Unless there is a horse-themed X-Man I don’t know about it.
Philipp Grubauer, Dark Beast
This seems like a random pick until…
Braden Holtby, Beast
…ahh okay now I get it.
Jakub Jerabek, Toad
Poor ol’ Toad.
Michal Kempny, Colossus
You know why.
Evgeny Kuznetsov, Cannonball
Next-gen superstar with, um, explosive top-end skill.
Matt Niskanen, Iceman
The opposite of a maverick, Niskanen is a real cool customer. ugh puns.
Dmitry Orlov, Dazzler
Pretty skater with a lot of flash.
Brooks Orpik, Doop
Universally adored for his mysterious power that no one can really explain to me.
TJ Oshie, Bishop
Much like Oshie’s long-term contract, Bishop will one day betray his team.
Alex Ovechkin, Wolverine
Low center of gravity plus a bezerker level of damage output.
Devante Smith-Pelly, Mystique
Appeared incognito as a replacement-tier player until the playoffs. It’s a long con.
Chandler Stephenson, Longshot
Get ittttttt?
Jakub Vrana, X-23
Junior wolvie.
Nathan Walker, Thunderbird
I know what you’re thinking: why not Gateway or Lifeguard? Well, you clowns, like Thunderbird, Walker had a short stint in the playoffs but was hugely clutch in it.
Tom Wilson, Juggernaut
Obviously.
Though the series is called Not Up For Debate, I’m leaving the comments open. So you can compliment me. For the very good picks. Appreciate the congrats.
