One hockey game and some cheap sparking white wine are all that stand between us and the year 2023. I am eager to welcome in the new year, but there are some things I would like us not to bring with us into it.
Now, using a convenient and familiar framing device, I present what’s in and out for 2023.
Out: The old rivalry between the Capitals and Penguins
In: A new rivalry between the Capitals and Devils
The Caps and Pens are the two oldest teams in the NHL, and their rivalry is even older. They should just be two old guys sitting on rocking chairs sucking on caramel hard candy. It’s time for fresh blood-beef in the Metro, and I think it should be against the Devils, who are a) very good, b) an average of four years younger than the Caps, c) have two former Caps in prominent roles, and d) will function as a playoff gatekeeper.
Out: The Caps being the oldest team in the league
In: The Caps merely being the most birthday-ed team in the league
Personally, I wish my body were 30.8 years old again. For an NHL team though, I can see how that could be a liability. But instead of endlessly ragging on the Caps for being ancient fogeys who remember the Clinton years, let us celebrate them for knowing how to do the macarena and for watching the finale to Friends live. They have seen many winters, they are the league elders, they are full of wisdom and tales. No shame in it. Not unless you’re the general manager.
Out: Whining about the Forsberg-Erat trade
In: Whining about the Siegenthaler-draft-pick trade
Forsberg is now 28, and his team is ranked 21st in points percentage. HockeyViz has the Preds at 38.2 percent chance of making the playoffs. In the wake of the Forsberg-Erat trade, which I was absolutely right about on day one, the Caps won a Cup and the Predators did not. It’s time we finally move on and instead endlessly gripe about something else. The Caps opted to play 87-year-old Zdeno Chara 18 minutes a night instead of developing Jonas Siegenthaler, who they traded to New Jersey for a third-round draft pick. That pick became Brent Johnson (no relation), who plays defense for the North Dakota Fighting Hawks when he’s not injured. Meanwhile, Siegenthaler has cuffed with Dougie Hamilton on one of the best defensive pairings in the league. Let’s all be furious about that for the next five years.
Out: The Capital wordmark hegemony
In: The Weagle/Screagle revolution
The Caps have one of the worst logos in the NHL, and everyone knows it. The team knows it, which is why we’re seeing those retro jerseys featuring the Screaming Eagle (“screagle”) and the stadium series featuring the Weagle. This is all preamble to an inevitable, full rebranding – I just don’t know when it’ll happen.
Out: Players congratulating Ovechkin on passing him in goals
In: Actually never mind, there is still time for Mario Lemieux to do it
Alex Ovechkin has passed everyone but the Great One. There’s no one left to cut a short video to be blasted on the jumbotron to wish Ovi luck. It’s radio silence from here on out, unless Mario Lemieux changes his mind about being – conspicuously – the only guy not to do it.
Out: Crypto ads on the digital boards
In: More space for weapons manufacturers and casinos
— Peter Hassett (@peterhassett) December 9, 2022
Out: Injured Capitals missing time
In: Injured Capitals just, like, playing through it dude
As we enter the midseason and the playoff chase becomes clearer, I fear the Capitals will start making poor choices in managing their injuries. If the Caps can make the postseason without grinding down their big-minute players to dust, I’d feel a lot better about their chances in the first round. That’s my secret, perverse upside to the Caps being so banged up this season: what if everything lines up, and they get into the playoffs rested and healthy? I dare to hope.
Out: Calling it analytics
In: Let’s call it, I dunno, maths? Like British people would do?
Everyone is doing some kind of analysis. Even if you’re saying, “Marcus Johansson plays soft,” you’re still doing some kind of examination, even if it sucks, and you are wrong. What we’re calling analytics these days is just using numbers about the smaller events in a hockey game to understand it better. And even that is miles away from whatever we should call NHL teams who have made quantitative analysis an integrated part of their decision-making process on the bench and in the front office. “Analytics” is just numbers. We don’t have to make it sound like a cult.
Out: Using nhl.com stats
In: Literally anywhere else, I just hate that place
It’s trash! It took me 20 seconds to load it in on this here MacBook Air, whereas I pulled more and better data on Natural Stat Trick in half the time. The NHL’s tables aren’t even “tables” – they’re some ancient ReactJS relic that does expensively what a table does cheaply. It still shows ties for teams and plus/minus for players. I hate it. I hate a lot of things. Everything from here on out is an old man yelling at clouds.
Out: Listening to national broadcast audio
In: Syncing up with John Walton’s radio calls
I have had it with bad national coverage. Some crews are fine, but none hold a candle to Joe Beninati and Craig Laughlin, who can make even miserable games watchable. Next time there’s some B-squad calling a Caps game on ESPN or TNT, I’m muting the TV and putting on John Walton’s radio call. It’s really easy to sync up — just pause the TV broadcast at puck drop until Walton says it’s happened.
Out: “Classy”
In: “Nice”
Okay, maximum crank levels. I hate “classy.” It is saying someone is better than us commoners. Like the words “vulgar” and “honorable,” “classy” elides the brutishness of the ruling class. Classes don’t exist because the powerful are more sophisticated or gentler than regular people. It’s the opposite. The royalty, nobility, and aristocracy of medieval Europe became so because they were vicious warlords. It’s like what Eleanor of Aquitaine says in The Lion in Winter, “Of course he has a knife, he always has a knife, we all have knives! It’s 1183 and we’re barbarians!”
I know what you mean when you say “classy”, and I know what I mean when I say it too, but it all kind of pretends we’re not in a class war. We are, and we’re losing it.
Happy new year!
Headline photo: Elizabeth Kong/RMNB
