On Sunday we learned that Caps goalie Vitek Vanecek got engaged to his girlfriend Kristýna Fejtová. More than cause for congratulations, the announcement was further evidence that the Washington Capitals are, statistically, probably, the most wifed up team in professional hockey. With apologies to You Can’t Do That, it is the Washington Capitals — not the San Jose Sharks — who are the wife guys of the NHL.
Out of twelve forwards, six defenders, and two goalies, all but one are known to be in committed, long-term relationships.
In the hockey world, I am mostly a quanty person. I like data tables, so here are the vital stats for full-time-ish Caps players:
| Guy | Age | Marital Status | Height | Weight | Sign |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Ovechkin | 36 | Married | 6-3 | 236 | Virgo |
| Oshie | 35 | Married | 6-0 | 195 | Capricorn |
| Backstrom | 34 | Committed | 6-1 | 206 | Sagittarius |
| Hagelin | 33 | Married | 6-0 | 185 | Virgo |
| Eller | 32 | Married | 6-2 | 205 | Taurus |
| Carlson | 32 | Married | 6-3 | 217 | Capricorn |
| Dowd | 31 | Married | 6-1 | 192 | Gemini |
| Schultz | 31 | Married | 6-2 | 193 | Cancer |
| Jensen | 31 | Married | 6-1 | 196 | Pisces |
| Kempny | 31 | Committed | 6-1 | 195 | Virgo |
| Orlov | 30 | Married | 5-11 | 208 | Leo |
| TvR | 30 | Married | 6-2 | 192 | Leo |
| Hathaway | 30 | Married | 6-2 | 212 | Sagittarius |
| Kuznetsov | 29 | Married | 6-2 | 197 | Taurus |
| Sheary | 29 | Married | 5-8 | 179 | Gemini |
| Wilson | 27 | Engaged | 6-4 | 220 | Aries |
| Mantha | 27 | Engaged | 6-5 | 234 | Pisces |
| Vanecek | 26 | Engaged | 6-2 | 187 | Capricorn |
| Sprong | 24 | TBD | 6-0 | 200 | Pisces |
| Samsonov | 24 | Married | 6-3 | 208 | Pisces |
Caveat: Relationships are infinitesimally complicated and defy categorization. The information above is crude and based only on a) my bad memory, b) searches of RMNB’s archives and the broader internet, and c) the Crashers from Discord.
The Caps are indeed super duper wifed up. But could this be a mere side effect of the Caps being super old and crusty?
Maybe. I dunno. Also, I have done zero comparative research. Winnipeg could have arranged marriages and I would not know. Still, I doubt any other team has under a single player not widely known to be engaged, married, or in a long-term, committed relationship.
What advantages do the Capitals gain as a result of being so extremely married (or about-to-be-married or in-a-relationship-whose-status-I-frequently-assure-my-family-is-just-like-marriage-just-without-government-certification-and-the-stuff-Betty-Friedan-wrote-about)?
I spoke to no experts about this topic, and I have nothing insightful to say.
But I did make these baseball cards.
Thanks for reading. I usually use labor day as an excuse to write inflammatory stuff on here, but I already did the contracts-from-the-player’s-perspective bit this year, so you have to settle for the wife guys story instead. Enjoy the holiday. Maybe tomorrow tell one of your colleagues from a marginalized community how much you get paid. Solidarity forever.🌹
