If you’ve been living under a rock, or you don’t spend any time on the internet, Thursday was a dramatic day for fans of the local D.C. football team. The NFL’s free agency period started and the Redskins didn’t disappoint. If you need a quick update on what happened, let me clue you in.
The team decided to not re-sign some pretty important players, so those players went to other teams. Their quarterback, Kirk Cousins, is allegedly dying to go to the 49ers for some reason and requested to be traded. The Redskins made it difficult for Cousins and it’s looking like he will stay, which is very awkward and kinda reminds me of that time I broke up with a boyfriend and he simply replied, “no”. They also fired their GM, Scot McCloughan, who didn’t make it to the NFL Combine to scout for some new talent due to taking care of some family matters. But, once McCloughan was fired, some sources decided to be wildly inappropriate and blame it on his alcoholism.
As Redskins fans, this has been an extremely tough time. People are fed up and they are calling into radio shows to say they’re done with the team, being really dramatic on twitter (mainly me but that’s not new), and even showing up at Redskins Park in Ashburn with pitchforks to protest.
But, Washington football fans, it’s important to remember there is always a silver lining. What if I told you there is a promiseland of sorts that you could retreat to? What if there was a place you could go to be a fan and not be ashamed of being a fan? Well folks, there is. The sport is hockey and your new team should be the Washington Capitals.
Reasons to become a fan of the Washington Capitals:
- Longer season: Honestly, hockey season never really ends. It kicks off at the beginning of October and usually finishes towards mid-June. It’s like you get a little summer vacation and then by the time you think to yourself “I miss watching hockey,” it’s already back. Even if the Caps flame out early in the postseason, you have the World Championship, the NHL Draft, and free agency to look forward to during the offseason. Much like Jesus Christ, if you fully accept the team into your heart, the season never really ends.
- The Owner: Ted Leonsis is the owner of both the Wizards and the Capitals. He is a typical owner, meaning he has swimming pool full of cash, but he is also a nice man. He doesn’t mind mingling with the fans and he does some nice things for people, like sittin’ in a box with BMan or making sure Fatima gets to see a Caps game IRL.
- Alex Ovechkin: A large, unearthly talented, goofy Russian has been on the Capitals since 2005 and has been their faithful leader ever since. It’s nice to have a consistent player to throw your support behind and with Ovechkin. It’s easy because he just happens to also be one of the greatest hockey players of all-time with 550+ career goals and 1000+ points.
- They’re actually good: The Capitals won the President’s Trophy last year for being the best team in the league and this season they are well on their way to earning it again. The current record for the Capitals is 44-15-7.
- Washington D.C.: The venue that the Capitals play in is ACTUALLY in the city. Not outside in an inconvenient space in the state of Maryland. The Capitals are based at the Verizon Center in Chinatown and it’s an excellent venue. FedEx Field is not very accessible at all and it’s a cold concrete hell pit. It has no life, no love, and no warmth.
“But Elyse, I could never abandon my football team. I love them too much!” Don’t worry, I totally understand and I am right there with you. I will still go to Redskins games, but I will just probably tailgate a bit harder to forget where my money is going or who I am cheering for. Luckily, there are some consistencies with the NFL and the NHL that will make you feel right at home:
- Good colors: We could be the Edmonton Oilers with that horrible orange and blue, or the Cleveland Browns with orange and poopy brown. The Redskins have a pretty great palette with their maroon and gold and the Capitals have red, white, and blue. It could always be much, MUCH worse.
- The commissioner. Oh yeah, just as awful. He’s a very “no fun allowed” kind of guy, just like Roger Goodell. There are definitely boos when he approaches the microphone.
- Pretending concussions don’t exist. If we’re going by league opinions, it’s probably just a bunch of science nerds that got together and said, “How can we get back at those jocks from high school? I know. Convince them they are dying”. So all that science and caring about the future of players? You can forget it!
- Physicality: Unnecessary fighting that leads to a waste of time and probably a broken nose? You want it, we got it!
- Having your hopes go sky high and then crashing down: The Capitals are really good, but for some insane reason they cannot make it through the second round to the point where I’m actually beginning to believe there isn’t anything past the second round. It’s just ghost rounds. Alas, the Capitals will make you very nervous, have an amazing comeback, and still not be able to quite deliver.
Actually, you know what, don’t be a fan of the Capitals. Bandwagon on a winning team, or turn into a tennis fan, and find your happiness. One day we will all die and I want you to find a team that will show you a championship. I want this for you. I want you to be so happy.
Or…you can stay put and do what I do. Care way too much and get laughed at by all your friends every year when your team’s playoff hopes eventually get tossed into a garbage truck that is also on fire and being pooped on by raccoons. You go home, put your jersey on, play some “Loser” by Beck, and cry yourself to sleep.
Headline image: Scott Allen
