The world is on pause, and so we find ourselves with time at last to ponder the big questions. By overwhelming popular demand, here comes Not Up For Debate, our most popular series ever.

In this episode: Enough escapist fantasy. It’s time to get real. If all society broke down tomorrow, like totally hypothetically, who would the Caps be in the dystopic hellscape?

Nicklas Backstrom, Jasper Palmer

A kind-hearted avuncular figure we depend on to keep us sane.

Travis Boyd, Kondo Tatsumi from World War Z

He’s waiting in the wings for his moment to shine. It’s coming. (I don’t even remember Tatsumi from the movie. I’m thinking book here. The movie is trash. Read the book though; it’s fun and good.)

John Carlson, Denton Van Zan from Reign of Fire

He’s elite at doing… whatever (gestures broadly) that is.

Brenden Dillon, Snake Plissken

He’s escaped from the west coast to be a bad-ass here on the east.

Nic Dowd, Wall-E

A do-gooder specialized for a specific purpose (fourth-liney things), enriching the lives of all who know him.

Lars Eller, Randall Flagg

No one should be this handsome. Must be evil. What’s he up to?

p.s. I don’t mind if you refuse to headcanon the McConaughey Man In Black or any other version. I didn’t even see Idris Elba movie.

Radko Gudas, Masterblaster

Technically, he’s Blaster. I don’t know who Master is. Reid Cashman?

Carl Hagelin, Tom Petty from the Postman

I love how Tom Petty just plays himself in this movie. Anyway, Hagelin has great hair. Have we talked about that before?

Garnet Hathaway, Judge Dredd

Spitting, I think, is a kind of law-giving.

Braden Holtby, Yorick Brown

A model in non-toxic masculinity.

Nick Jensen, Roger DeMarco from Dawn of the Dead

He has done good work for a while, but I don’t know how long he’ll last.

Michal Kempny, Zed from Zardoz

Honestly, I just wanted to put this mental image in your head.

Ilya Kovalchuk, Fawkes from Fallout 3

He has survived unspeakable horrors (e.g. Atlanta Thrashers) and evolved into something at once more brutal and more sophisticated.

Evgeny Kuznetsov, Ash

One of a kind. Impossible to duplicate. Sometimes maybe just a tiny bit too extra.

Brendan Leipsic, John Galt

Who?

p.s. if you think Ayn Rand isn’t post-apocalyptic fiction, meet me in the comments for an ass-kicking.

Dmitry Orlov, Bokonon

If Orlov were a messianic figure, he’d be the dopey, goofy kind of messianic figure.

T.J. Oshie, Whatever Jim is called in A Quiet Place

Because daaaaaaaaad viiiiiibes.

Alex Ovechkin, T100

(Layup.)

Richard Panik, Dad from The Road

…

Ilya Samsonov, Enola from Waterworld

He represents the promise of a better future.

Jonas Siegenthaler, Kid from The Road

Protect him.

Jakub Vrana, Feral Kid

Surprisingly deadly despite his young age.

Tom Wilson, Robert Neville

Sometimes you need lethality. Sometimes maybe it’s too much.

Though the series is called Not Up For Debate, I’m leaving the comments open. So you can compliment me. For the very good picks. Appreciate the congrats.