It’s long been assumed by the statistically inclined that hockey — at least at the NHL level and at least in the contemporary era — produces outcomes that are, in the most modest sense, somewhat stochastic. This apparent and ineffable stochasticity, along with the dearth of uniform and readily available microevent data (along with the admitted decrepitude of STEM education in North America), represents a force majeur challenge to quantitative analysis and quantitative analysts — or particularly those of the Bayesian persuasion — and I surely do not mean to paint all quants with that specific brush — to hew and hone a de rigeur model for predicting results.

What I presuppose in this paper is that non-Bayesian analysis of hockey at the professional and demiprofessional levels is manifestly superior and plenipotentiary insofar as describing and predicting future events vis a vis mediated nominalities in mass media. While admittedly this is a non-traditional and unorthodox approach to semi-random outcomes in a skill-parity environment, adapted polynomial castings of individual NHL players (“players”) ultimately provides a more useful model, whereas modeling’s only essential property is measured in the objective insight provided by its outputs, see below.

(Please forgive the low resolution of this image.)

Thus and thusly, the incontroverible and yet highly controversial and yet inexorable inevitability of all a priori reasoning in this vein is straightforward. Dispensing with the frankly snobbish insularity of regression-based quantitative analysis, replete with incestuous and wholly non-pluripotentiality for adoption among the hoi polloi, we are resolved to find an alternate approach — Q.E.D. a novel stochastic rendering of individual player (“player”) profiles based on mediated nominalities in mass media.

Are they gone yet?

…?

Is it safe?

Okay. Let’s hecking do this.

Not up for debate: The Capitals as the cast of Love is Blind

The world is on pause, and so we find ourselves with time at last to ponder the big questions. By overwhelming popular demand, here comes Not Up For Debate, our most popular series ever.

In this episode: What if the Washington Capitals were on Netflix’s “experiment” or whatever we say when we’re lying to ourselves about what we’re watching.

Nicklas Backstrom, Lauren

A big big heart and a wry sense of humor. What a great person, both of them.

Travis Boyd, Rory

Hey. Remember Rory? He got maybe 45 seconds of screentime.

John Carlson, Kelly

Sometimes I question your motives.

Brenden Dillon, Barnett

Throws off extremely down-to-clown vibes.

Nic Dowd, Amber

Sophistication is for schmucks and the petit bourgeoisie.

Lars Eller, Damian

Maybe not the most socially adapted, but a solid dude IMO.

Radko Gudas, Jessica

You just know that Radko calculates the age difference between him and his d-partners.

Carl Hagelin, Lauren

Another rad dude. Hey, there are only like 6 people on this show. There are gonna be some repeats. Lauren rules, so just be glad when someone you like is a Lauren.

Garnet Hathaway, Jessica

If he goes a year without another spitting incident, he can graduate to a Barnett. Two years and he’s a Lauren. I don’t make the rules. Wait, yes, I do.

Braden Holtby, Cameron

Just the absolute best. Coolest dude.

Nick Jensen, Damian

Obviously. This pick is perfect.

Michal Kempny, Lauren

Woof, three Laurens already? Well, Kempny deserves it.

Ilya Kovalchuk, Kelly

Okay now I extremely question your motives.

Evgeny Kuznetsov, Barnett

O B V I O U S L Y. Plus, Both have a janusian nature —  Kuznetsov with impishness/serious hockeying, Barnett with impishness/family mode.

Brendan Leipsic, Diamond

Hey, whatever happened to Diamond?

Dmitry Orlov, Damian

Also a Damian. Both seem like gigglers to me. Bro, just laugh. Just let it out. We’re all friends here.

T.J. Oshie, Gia

*swish sound effect*

Alex Ovechkin, Barnett

*swish from mid-court sound effect*

Richard Panik, Kenny

*swish from mid-court at the buzzer sound effect* I am on fire, folks. You know this one works.

Ilya Samsonov, Mark

Now we’re in Mark town. Buckle up. They’re gonna come fast and furious. 23-year-old baby goalie who doesn’t play much? That’s a Mark.

Jonas Siegenthaler, Mark

22-year-old baby defender who doesn’t play much? That’s a Mark.

Jakub Vrana, Mark

24-year-old emerging superstar who is just now finding true love for the first time? You know that’s a Mark.

Tom Wilson, Amber

I rest my case.

This has been Not Up For Debate, The comments are open so you can compliment me. For my very good picks. Appreciate the congrats. Get ready for a fun fun week.