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Capitals vs Nationals: Whose championship celebration was better?

By Brennin Weiswerda

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November 4, 2019 6:38 pm

Merriam-Webster should just put a photo of the Capitals and Nationals doing a conga line in the locker room to define the meaning of joy.

In 2018 and 2019, three D.C. teams — the Capitals, Nationals, and Mystics–were all finally able to celebrate the championship victories they waited and waited for for so long. They deserve our thanks and congratulations — not just for their victories, but for sharing their celebrations so openly with their fans and community.

And, since statistics make everything better and human beings love to compare things, we’ve decided to undertake a quantitative analysis of the Caps’ and Nats’ celebrations! (The Mystics are waiting to hold their parade until spring due to players’ prior commitments, but when they do, we’ll have coverage of that as well!)

When you’re ready, start playing “We Are the Champions” and “Baby Shark” at the same time, and read on.

Beer

The Nats did a wonderful tribute to the TJ Tradition, but didn’t alter or elevate the ritualistic consumption of alcoholic ambrosia sieved through a personal garment. It’s an homage to the best way to ruin a perfectly good shirt frat boy party trick to drink beer humanity has yet discovered.

(The Blues also did a shirt-chug but they never rode a Zamboni shirtless or jumped in a public fountain, so minus-1 points to the Blues.)

Winner: Capitals

Music Selection

“We Are the Champions” is a classic. But it’s not creative. Even the Capitals happily transitioned from Queen to “Baby Shark” after the Nats won.

Winner: Nationals

Attending each other’s games

Winner: Tie*

*We reserve the right to change this decision if and when either the Capitals or Nationals attend a Mystics game, which they should.

Frolicking in Fountains

The Capitals not only rolled around in a fountain whilst grappling with their bros, Ovechkin and Backstrom even reprised the fountain motif at the NHL Awards.

Have the NATS swum in any fountains? HUH? HAVE THEY????? TJ Oshie even sent them DIRECTIONS when his phone was DYING. They don’t just lose, they lose without style. Sure, it’s 40 degrees out but EXCUSES EXCUSES.

Winner: Capitals

p.s. to all fountain swimmers out there: don’t forget your bathing suits, aka, this t-shirt. (…and pants of some kind.)

Body Positivity (aka shirtlessness)

With the exception of Ovechkin, who rode a Nats player around the locker room after the game shirtless, the Capitals are basically never nudes compared to the Nats, who stripped on the Zamboni during the game and stayed shirtless back in their suites.

Winner: Nationals and it ain’t even close.

Tattoos

C’mon, Nats. Pull your pants down and get a shark tattooed on ya the way Oshie got Wario. I bet Braden Holtby would even hold your hand.

Parra says he’ll get a Baby Shark tattoo. We’ll believe it when we see it. Sorry buds, but pics or it didn’t happen.

Winner: Capitals and it ain’t even close.

And the winner is…

All fans of the District of Champions.

Headline photo: @smithpelly/Ian Oland

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