Every first-round match-up has now played their first game of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. If your team has already been eliminated, and you feel empty and devoid of joy because there’s hockey happening, but not your team’s hockey, we have just the solution for you.
Become deeply, emotionally, stressfully invested in a new team! And as long as you’re shopping around for the best bandwagon to hop onto…might we recommend riding along with the reigning champions?
The Washington Capitals have a lot going for them. They’re good at scoring goals, hugging after scoring goals, treating their teammates like family in a way that will make you cry, having Nicklas Backstrom and Alex Ovechkin’s chemistry on ice for the twelfth consecutive year, and, oh yeah, being so good at hockey that nearly this same roster of players won the Stanley Cup in 2018.
If you’re still not convinced, please read on and find out why our team is the best fit for your team’s individual fannish energy.
Montreal Canadiens: Look. We’re. We’re sorry about pickles? (…okay that was mean. Yes, you’re stuck with Alzner’s contract, but! As a bonus you get his positive attitude, which, honestly, should be an inspiration to all of us. If we could get his outlook on life in a bottle it would be the best-selling perfume in the world.)
Philadelphia Flyers: The enemy of your enemy is your favorite post-elimination hockey team, obviously; we all know the proverb. So: eff that Sh*ttsburgh team. (But also, if y’all come on the bandwagon…can you bring Claude Giroux’s dogs and Gritty?)
New York Rangers: The Caps have Hagelin’s long luscious locks now and you have to miss seeing that flow fly across the ice.
Detroit Red Wings: Y’all have Madison Bowey and Mike Green so we’re basically family already. Love thy family.
Buffalo Sabres: …you’ve got Jack Eichel. Uh. He dressed up as a majestic unicorn once, which was cool. He can help pull the wagon!
New Jersey Devils: We miss Marcus Johansson a lot and you probably do too. Don’t y’all want to meet his family and see where he came from? Sure, you could go to Sweden, and meet his “actual” family, but it’s a much shorter drive to DC.
Ottawa Senators: Y’all are A capital, we’re THE Capitals, it just sounds right. Plus the Caps are really good at drinking and Sens fans have really good reasons to drink.
Arizona Coyotes: We’re just bummed for y’all. You had one heck of a season. Come hang out with us.
Chicago Blackhawks: Um. Y’all can just enjoy your summer.
Minnesota Wild: You’re, um. You sure are–um. A Team. Which is, of course… OH HEY, okay: Nino Niederreiter was on your team, now he’s on the Hurricanes; the Capitals are PLAYING the Hurricanes, ipso facto if you want to win the break-up the Canes have to lose their match-up.
Vancouver Canucks: Not only do y’all have Jay Beagle, you also have the best team dogs. All y’all’s players’ dogs are amazing. Not only do the Caps’ players OWN many good dogs, they also ARE very good puppies spiritually.
Anaheim Ducks: We love ducks! Ian had a bunch of ducklings by his house! We even have bread for you to–. Oh. We’ve been informed you’re not actually ducks. We’ll have to get back to you re: the invite.
Edmonton Oilers: Connor McDavid is basically Ovi in his first two years in the league, trying to carry a weak team on his shoulders while winning scoring trophies and ending up at the bottom of the barrel, but look how well that turned out! The Caps have a Cup now! Come with us and enjoy hope again!
Los Angeles Kings: Contrary to popular belief, going six months without ulcer-inducing stress is something to be avoided at all costs.
— LA Kings (@LAKings) April 7, 2019
It’s a great bandwagon, potential-future-friends. The seats are comfortable, the beer is plentiful, the games are exciting, and the folks on board are pretty dang cool (if we do say so ourselves). The choice? Is yours.
Headline photo: Cara Bahniuk/RMNB
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
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