The third round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs was brutal. The San Jose Sharks, devastated by injury, failed to get the baffling calls necessary to defeat the St. Louis Blues, who now enter the final round for the first time since the mid-17th century. The Boston Bruins, who are neither big nor bad, stomped the Carolina Hurricanes in four vicious games, led, I’m sure, by the pure hockeysexual charisma of Marcus “Joe Hanson” Johansson.
Now, just a scant 49 years later, the Bruins and Blues have their rematch. Some experts are saying it’s a coin toss, so let’s, um, ask a coin.
If you don’t know Keith, now you know.
Keith, a Coin, III, is a 2002 quarter minted in Pennsylvania. He’s a savant, roughly half the time.
|Columbus beat Tampa||🚽||🌮||🌮|
|Boston beat Toronto||🌮||🚽||🌮|
|Carolina beat Washington||🚽||🚽||🚽|
|New York beat Pittsburgh||🚽||🚽||🌮|
|San Jose beat Vegas||🚽||🚽||🚽|
|Colorado beat Calgary||🚽||🌮||🚽|
|St Louis beat Winnipeg||🌮||🚽||🚽|
|Dallas beat Nashville||🌮||🚽||🚽|
|St Louis beat Dallas||🌮||🚽||🌮|
|Carolina beat New York||🌮||🌮||🌮|
|Boston beat Columbus||🌮||🌮||🚽|
|San Jose beat Colorado||🌮||🚽||🚽|
|Boston beat Carolina||🚽||🌮||🚽|
|St Louis beat San Jose||🚽||🌮||🌮|
Huge power shift between Ian and Peter here. Keith, to the surprise of everyone everywhere, went 50 percent.
Now for finals.
Peter: Well, I went oh-fer last round, with both my Caps West and my jerks eliminated. I’m left to pick between the team with Jordan Binnington and Ryan O’Reilly or the team with Brad Marchand. We’re gonna have a slight head/heart split here. I think the Bruins are the better team, though maybe not as much as some folks think since the Blues got wayyyyy better since around Christmas. And while my heart has trouble getting on board with the Bs, I have a lot of fondness for Bergeron, Chara, and our sweet child Marcus Johansson. I woudn’t mind watching Z lift the Cup with one hand while drinking a whole cask of wine with the other hand and with the leg of the Englishman he just ate sticking out of a corner of his mouth. Either way, I want this 1970 rematch to be a long one. Boston in 7.
Ian: I want to have some deep analysis to my pick, but I’ve got nothing. That’s why I’m turning to historical data.
They say it’s the hardest trophy to win in all of sports.
Which team adds their logo to the list? #StanleyCup pic.twitter.com/GdJMeRmyfS
— #StanleyCup on NBC (@NHLonNBCSports) May 24, 2019
The Boston Bruins have won the Stanley Cup six times in their history while the St. Louis Blues have never won one at all. The last time the two teams met in the Stanley Cup Final, a mere half century ago, the Bruins swept.
To me, it’s just so freaking unlikely that the Bruins will win again considering all of these positive outcomes (and all of their other teams winning). Life is a coin flip and having that much good luck necessitates some bad to balance it out. So, you guys, I’m picking those last-to-first Blues. Jordan Binnington is going to become… 😎 Jordan Winnington. St. Louis in 6.
PS – Brad Marchand, I hate you.
Keith: St Louis.
Alright, let’s finish this. Your picks?
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