The offseason is now in full swing. The Cup has been won, the beards shaved, the players re-signed. Aside from the continuing adventures of the Stanley Cup, there’s not a whole lot happening in the hockey world. Until now! Presenting a new series in which we will finally understand the true nature of the world champion 2017-18 Washington Capitals through the prism of stupid popular culture. I’m calling it Not Up For Debate because everyone everywhere will agree that these are the universal consensus picks.
In this episode: What animal apparition would the Caps use to dispel Dementors?
Nicklas Backstrom, Rooster
Strong presence wakes the team up, but never gets cocky.
Jay Beagle, no one knows?
?
Hm. That’s weird.
Madison Bowey, Thylacine
Currently extinct but we have the technology to bring him back.
Andre Burakovsky, Bee
You’ll miss em when they’re gone.
John Carlson, Turkey
Unrelated: have you ever been in the woods somewhere and seen a wild turkey just hanging out? They are terrifying. They’re like angry little dinosaurs and am scared of them.
Alex Chiasson, Rainbow trout
I don’t remember why I chose this.
Taylor Chorney, Kangaroo rat
Muad’dib.
Brett Connolly, Elephant
I’ll never forget four goals and two assists in the final two rounds.
Christian Djoos, Moray eel
He’s been hiding on the third pair, but be careful. He’s ferocious.
Lars Eller, Horse
Tired: tiger. Wired: horse.
Philipp Grubauer, Bonobo
Being the usurping 2A goalie could have made Grubi an antagonist, but he was too peaceable for that.
Braden Holtby, Slow loris
People don’t appreciate the abuse this poor fella suffered last season.
Jakub Jerabek, Jerboa
I don’t get it. Why did I make Jerabek a jerboa — oh I get it now. That’s dumb.
Michal Kempny, Chicken
Because thighs.
Evgeny Kuznetsov, Llama
People love llamas because they’re cuddly and kind, but they’re not. They’re devious and arrogant, and that’s why I love them.
Matt Niskanen, Bull
Steady.
Dmitry Orlov, Lion
King.
Brooks Orpik, Northern white rhino
Um. Google it.
TJ Oshie, Eagle
Most patriotic birb.
Alex Ovechkin, Sheep
The G.O.A.T. is a sheep.
Devante Smith-Pelly, Puma
Lying in wait until he pounced — in the loffs.
Chandler Stephenson, Giraffe
I just wanted a giraffe on the team somewhere.
Jakub Vrana, Parrot
Copycatting all the things that made Andre great.
Nathan Walker, Dingo
I’d also accept literally any marsupial. Let’s not outsmart ourselves here.
Tom Wilson, Badger
Obviously.
Though the series is called Not Up For Debate, I’m leaving the comments open. So you can compliment me. For the very good picks. Appreciate the congrats.
