30 reasons why we hate Sidney Crosby on his 30th birthday

Usually, when it is the 30th birthday of a man that has ruined your life, you don’t dedicate an entire post to them. In this case, I thought it was necessary for me to get some things off my chest. To pay tribute to all the 30 Reasons why Sidney Crosby ROCKS on his 30th birthday articles floating around, I’m publishing a listicle of my own.

30 reasons why we hate Sidney Crosby on his 30th birthday.

The 2008-09 Playoffs
The 2015-16 Playoffs
The 2016-17 Playoffs
It would be crazy for me to not start off with one of my all time favorites. That time he was upset about the amount of hats on the ice after Ovechkin’s hat trick. For any of the new kids, here’s all you need to know. In 2009, Ovechkin and Crosby BOTH scored hat tricks. After the lids went flying during Oveckin’s celebration, Crosby was upset so he complained to the referee. During the post-game press conference he explained, “People kept throwing hats. I was just asking if he could make an announcement to ask them to stop.”
That time during the 2017 Stanley Cup Finals when he smashed P.K. Subban’s head into the ice a bunch of times. It got to the point where my own mother texted me, “Is Crosby going to get in trouble for trying to murder that guy?” No, mom. No he is not.

That was something else. #Crosby #Subban pic.twitter.com/pevSFFYE5N

— Marc Dumont (@MarcPDumont) June 9, 2017
His mustache. I refuse to attach a photo.
According to Crosby’s sister, he is an old soul and wishes he still carried around a Palm Treo smartphone. Listen, I am as “old soul” as they come…but a Palm Treo smartphone? Are you kidding?
This is #8 so I’m just going to say Alex Ovechkin. I don’t know, I felt like he just needs this spot.
Stealing all of Cole Harbour’s thunder. We can’t let the light that is Nathan MacKinnon dim under Sidney Crosby’s darkness, it’s unfair! Also the guys from Trailer Park Boys. They’re actually the most important.
One time in 2013, Crosby skipped the line at the DMV and made everyone mad. The DMV is a bottomless hellpit where nobody wants to be. What kind of cruel, garbage person do you have to be to cut in front of people at the DMV?!
That time he speared Ryan O’Reilly in the peen. Crosby should at LEAST buy him dinner first, you know?
When ESPN or some major channel talks about the NHL it’s often about Crosby and not about more important topics like how Ovechkin’s equipment bag is #69 or how Andre Burakovsky is hanging out with John Carlson’s baby over the summer. What has happened to REAL journalism?
Head injuries. This isn’t actually an annoying thing, rather it gets me annoyed every time he’s hit on the ice and continues to play. Crosby has now had five documented concussions and has missed 114 games due to those symptoms. I’ve gotten to a point where it worries me sick when I see his head get smashed.
His nickname “Sid the Kid”. He is 30 years old now. That needed to end about 10 years ago.
When he does nice things like visit sick kids in hospitals and we can’t talk bad about him.
Vandalism. I do not know what the dryer in Sidney Crosby’s childhood home basement ever did to him (maybe one time he mixed his bleach with his colors or something), but he has obliterated it. Now people say it’s famous? For what? Because it got a bunch of puck dents in it?
His real name. Not because it’s a bad name, but because he has a name where people can call him “Cindy” or “Crysbaby” and think it’s a hysterical insult. I have awful news for all of you. When you insult him by calling him a girl, it isn’t funny and you’re putting down an entire gender in the process. You have to get new material.
The Golden Goal. You know the one. I can still remember it vividly. Zach Parise tying the game and sending it to overtime. It’s my gosh dang birthday dinner. A great meal! What could go wrong?! Sidney Crosby (with an incredible setup from Jarome Iginla) could just destroy me in overtime. Yeah, that’ll be good.
When he becomes best friends with Ovechkin during the All Star Game, then turns around and stabs him in the back during the playoffs. We’ve all had that one “friend”, or seen an episode of Gossip Girl. Basically, Ovechkin was the Blair in this situation while Crosby decided to be a total Serena.
That time he chopped Marc Methot’s finger off because he is a psychopath. REMINDER: THE VIDEO BELOW SHOWS THE FINGER.
We’re making a huge deal about how Sidney Crosby is turning 30 today with all these great achievements when we should really be more focused on how it’s Charlize Theron’s 42nd birthday and she doesn’t look a day over 25.
He ruined the cute Listerine joke during the Stanley Cup Final. Sid, we KNOW that’s not what you actually told P.K. It’s just a joke and the audio is going to eventually come out and when it does people are going to be all “NUH UH THAT’S NOT WHAT THEY TALKED ABOUT” because this is the NHL and heaven forbid we have any fun. Anyway, I’m fine.
When he was oddly attractive in the new Adidas Hockey advertisement. I’m realizing that while I am getting hotter with age, so is Sidney Crosby. This is extremely irritating since I don’t think it’s fair.

Back on the old stomping grounds. 🏠#teamadidas pic.twitter.com/lwlddpa6Cs

— adidas Hockey (@adidashockey) July 26, 2017
Penguins fans about Crosby. I don’t need to say anymore.
The media about Sidney Crosby. I don’t need to say anymore.
Personally? Two of my best friends are Crosby fans. It hurts when people you love have affection for something you hate. Like when hippos are super cute when they’re young but grow up to love eating people when they’re older.
Diving. We have ourselves a real Tom Daley (this is the only professional diver I know) in the NHL.
This photo of him. I don’t know why.
That time he probably slewfooted Cedric Paquette. Just a mistake, surely he just got a little penalt- oh no? Hm. Weird.
He is a really good hockey player and there is not a single thing we can do about it. Everyone talks about how annoying he is and how much we hate him, but we can hate him and think he is annoying while also recognizing that everything he has achieved so far…is pretty extraordinary.