Photo: Tom Szczerbowski/USA TODAY Sports
Let’s get real for a hot second. I don’t enjoy the NHL Awards. You don’t enjoy the NHL Awards. Why do we insist on pretending we do?
Every year the NHL trots out a mediocre host and a handful of celebrity (?) presenters, mashes them up with a band best known for being one people love to hate (2015: Daughtry, 2014: Phillip Phillips, 2012: Nickelback – you get it), and tries to pretend players would rather be there wearing shirts than at a pool party not wearing shirts. The best year of the NHL Awards was 2013, when there wasn’t an NHL Awards.
Here’s what’s going to happen tonight: Alex Ovechkin will take home the Rocket Richard trophy. That much is certain. He’s also contender for both the Hart Trophy as league MVP and the Ted Lindsay Award as the MVP as voted by the players. If he wins them, you knew he was going to win them, so what’s even the point of watching? If they go to Carey Price, then it was all a sham anyway so why bother?
Instead of suffering through Rob Riggle’s Gary Bettman-approved jokes and big-name celebrities – one half of 90s country duo Brooks & Dunn, Tom Hanks’ son, and Alex Ovechkin’s favorite DJ – awkwardly mispronounce the name Pavel Datsyuk, you should watch something else. Always here to serve, RMNB has put together some recommendations based on tonight’s TV listings.
MLB Baseball: Orioles at Red Sox (MASN). Because it’s summer, watch some stickball and appreciate how much better hockey is.
MLB Baseball: Barves at Nationals (MASN2). Natrioles Magictude!
Seinfeld: The Calzone (TBS) Learn all about the dating loophole.
Jeopardy! (ABC) Here’s a fun game to play: After Alex Trebek announces the Final Jeopardy! category but before the answer is revealed, make a blind guess about the question. You’ll never get it, unless you’re me, because I’ve gotten it twice.
There are no other options.
NOVA (PBS) “An examination of the mental prowess of birds. Included: a cockatoo that can pick locks; a wild crow focused on an eight-step puzzle; and a raven that can solve a puzzle box so fast that high-speed photography is needed to document it.” A COCKATOO THAT CAN PICK LOCKS, YO!
Top Gear (BBC America) Botswana special. “The hosts head to Africa for a treacherous 1000-mile drive across the Kalahari Desert.” Arguably one of the show’s best episodes, except maybe the one where they spent the whole time rolling a Reliant Robin.
American Ninja Warrior (NBC) Boring, but not as boring as the NHL Awards.
MLS Soccer: Chicago vs. D.C. United (CSN) Boring, but not as boring as the NHL Awards.
Anthony Bourdain Parts Unknown (CNN) If you missed the first airing of the season finale from Beirut, check it out. Take a drink for every time you see someone smoking. (Don’t actually do this; you’ll die.)
The best part is you can watch any of these programs with confidence knowing that if anything remotely entertaining happens at the NHL Awards, we’ll cover it here. So, what will you be watching instead of the NHL Awards?
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
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