The Athletic predicts that the Washington Capitals have a seven percent chance to make the Playoffs. Moneypuck says it’s more like 20 percent. HockeyViz puts it at 28 percent. Going off vibes, I think they’re all a bit low, but I still consider the Caps a longshot to make the postseason.

Which is why I’ll grow Vince McMahon’s gruesome mustache if it happens.

Despicable human being and inexplicably still-the-boss of the WWE, Vince McMahon enjoyed a six-month retirement before returning to the role earlier this year. McMahon engineered that return by forcing out board members and displacing his own daughter as successor. Months later, McMahon announced a merger with Endeavor, the media conglomerate of Ari Emanuel, currently in a three-way tie for most evil Emanuel brother. McMahon made the media rounds to get stockholders excited about the deal, but all anyone noticed was this:

Mustache experts call this a pencil mustache. Amateurs call it revolting. Both are correct. It is a style of facial hair that has been worn successfully by one human being, John Waters, who cultivated his entire identity to justify that mustache. Other people who have had pencil mustaches are the actors Errol Flynn, who died in 1959, and Clark Gable, who died in 1960. It is a mustache unsuited to the nuclear age, let alone the 21st century, and I will grow it if the Capitals make the playoffs.

I am not rooting against the Capitals. I want the Capitals to make the playoffs. If the Capitals make the playoffs, I win – because my Capitals have made the playoffs. If the Capitals miss the playoffs, I still win – because I don’t have to wear a mustache that makes strangers dry-heave. So I win either way.

Who’s with me?!

Screenshot: CNBC