EA Sports’ NHL 23 came out a couple weeks ago. I haven’t played it. I don’t like sports games. I like video games where it goes pew pew and middle schoolers in voice chat call me slurs.
NHL 23 has a soundtrack of a bunch of high-energy rock songs, and I like a good high-energy rock song. Maybe it’ll be Tony Hawk 2 good; maybe not. Here’s every song on the soundtrack, ranked.
Personal disclosure: I’ve been a musician for a long time, and I’ve recently become a grumpy old crank. This will inform my judgments.
Now, from worst to best:
Motionless In White ft. Caleb Shomo, “Red, White & Boom”
I hated this immediately. It’s obviously this is a faithful imitation of a certain goth-y glam performer who is also an alleged sex criminal. Strictly in the music, that’s not great, and this song adds nothing to that framing.
Pitchfork score: 2.3
Panic! At The Disco, “Say It Louder”
I feel like scam artist is too kind. I don’t consider this guy an artist of any kind.
Pitchfork score: 2.5
Highly Suspect, “Natural Born Killer”
I could tell from the first syllable that this was not for me. This and so much other music is all downriver of “Take Me To Church.” It’s some white boy who has studied the affectations of Baptist gospel music, probably at Berklee.
Pitchfork score: 3.0
Bishop Briggs, “Revolution”
Here’s a couple sub-genres I don’t like glued together. It starts with that “hey ho” Lumineers feel, and then moves into a sound I can’t put my finger on, but it’s like every song that ever played in the last 10 minutes of the TV show Lucifer.
I do like the singer’s voice though.
Pitchfork score: 3.2
Yonaka, “I Want More”
This, I think, is the first of way too many Britons on the soundtrack. This is so uniformly energetic, it becomes shapeless. That might make it really good for a jock jam, I admit, and it wouldn’t be out of place in a scene of Peaky Blinders where, like, Arthur is murdering some guy with a shave kit.
Pitchfork score: 4.4
Kasabian, “Rocket Fuel”
This band was designed by god to positively tear the roof off a pub. That pub is drab and is named, like, The Hambly Arms. It’s next door to a failing bookstore and a Pret a Manger. I just don’t get this band, and this song doesn’t change my mind.
Pitchfork score: 4.7
Korn, “Forgotten”
It’s Korn. This is a formula-standard Korn jam, with the exception of maybe the harmonies Jonathan Davis delivers in the choruses. That’s a little novel, but not actually pleasant to hear. I feel like the band isn’t even trying anymore, especially compared to what their contemporaries like Meshuggah and Deftones are still doing.
Pitchfork score: 4.8
Games We Play, “St. Girlfriend”
This song is for children. I’m too old to review this, even if it’s familiar to music I heard in high school. Regardless, this is not a healthy attitude to have about a romantic partner, but if you’re gonna shamelessly bite post-Blink 182 pop punk (Sum 41 especially), you could do worse.
Pitchfork score: 5.1
lozeak, “Word Vomit”
Sort of a lesser rehash of “Elevate” by DJ Khalil, aka the song from the end of the Miles Morales Spider-Man movie. It’s got the same triplet vocal delivery through that same super-saturated vocal chain. I don’t feel like there’s a song here so much as a ringtone that last 150 seconds.
Pitchfork score: 5.3
Frank Turner, “Punches”
This is also not for me. Kinda jerky guitars up front and everything is working fine, but then it goes to a very boxy place in the chorus that would work better if the band was the Pogues or Joan Jett. Still, I get the energy, and these songs are starting to grow on me.
Pitchfork score: 5.5
Mod Sun, “Rich Kids Ruin Everything”
It’s like if pop punk music was genetically modified by the scientists at Jurassic Park. I heard the line “I saw your new tik tok / Omigod, you’re so punk rock” and immediately needed a knee replacement. This song executes New Found Glory’s “we hate girls” sentiment better than they did, but it lacks all the charm and character of those players, so this feels less effective to me.
Pitchfork score: 5.5
Sports Team, “The Game”
Generic pub rock that could have been made anywhere between ’83 and ’98. It’s like if the Hold Steady had no perspective and just went through the motions. Still, I’ve got a lot of time for generic pub rock.
Pitchfork score: 5.5
Matt Maeson, “Blood Runs Red”
Another “Take Me To Church” jam, pretending at soulfulness. But this time I really like how dorky the singer sounds. I bet he could destroy some Dwight Yoakam covers. There are some cool ideas here, but I think the production gets in the way, especially with those compressed, distorted buildups.
Pitchfork score: 5.6
De’Wayne ft. Poorstacy, “Die Out Here”
Here’s a very practiced version of the snotty punk voice. It’s fun for me when someone sings like this, with obvious formal voice training deployed to sound trashy. This song won me over, especially how the singer delivered the “here” and “fear” lines in the chorus.
Pitchfork score: 5.6
A Day To Remember, “Miracle”
Ah, this is familiar. This is a modern metal song of a variety I call sub-djent: just progressive enough to be kinda weird, but still very approachable. There’s a lot of production going on here, as expected from a generation who grew up with Linkin Park. The chorus positively goes, and I appreciate the little diminished neoclassical flourishes.
If I ever worked out, I’d probably listen to this. I do not work out.
Pitchfork score: 5.8
Death Lens, “Swing For The Fences”
Back in the Peaky Blinders vein, where it’s like Black Keys but angrier and Britisher and – unlike Black Keys – actually fun to listen to. It’s impossible for me not to like a band where the dude can’t sing well so he compensates by just singing a lot.
I don’t know anything about the production here, but somehow you can hear every little tippy-tap of the hi-hat. That’s pretty cool.
Pitchfork score: 5.9
Ten Tonnes, “Go”
Here we go. This is some ’80s glam, like Adam Ant stuff. It doesn’t really have a good hook outside the guitar riff. It’s like a so-so album cut from a Dandy Warhols record. I like the Dandy Warhols though.
Pitchfork score: 5.9
Pengshui, “IDKWYBT”
Extremely British, bruv. Whenever I hear British music where the accent is really thick and doesn’t sound like a rich person, I usually assume I don’t know enough about the culture that spat out the music to comment on it. Anyway, I like it, even if I don’t get it.
Pitchfork score: 6.1
The Mysterines, “Hung Up”
The guitar sound whips. One line is “Why is this bedroom so cold?” and I’m wondering how Aileen managed to write a song without me knowing. Again, I think the production gets in the way of neat ideas: the singer’s performances and the intimacy of the lyrics get masked by the wall of guitars and thick reverb.
Pitchfork score: 6.1
The Snuts, “Burn The Empire”
These folks seem not to like the British government very much. That’s gotta be worth at three extra points. Not a ton of song here, but the vibes are impeccable.
Pitchfork score: 6.1
Nova Twins, “Fire & Ice”
Let’s go back to the gym, this time with synthesizers and that triplet vocal delivery.
There’s a ton of modern production things in this, and this time I think they’re all great, so maybe I’m not such a cranky old man after all. I loved the chewy bass distortion sound. I think we’re entering into “I’d listen to this even if it weren’t for an RMNB bit” region of the soundtrack.
Pitchfork score: 6.4
Coheed and Cambria, “The Liars Club”
C&C! My college musician friends were always like “Peter, you need to get in on this,” but I never did. They were right. And yet this song does not make me want to make a virtual Tom Wilson virtually maim someone. Still, I like how the chorus says “We can do anything MCR can do, but better,” which is to me the core idea of C&C, plus prog and space epics. An acquired taste, but it tastes good.
Pitchfork score: 6.5
iann dior ft. Travis Barker, “Obvious”
Gordon Ramsay meme: Finally, some good disco. This song is apparently sung by a 13-year-old trying to sound like a grown up, but I like it. To me, this feels derivative of what Miguel did on Wildheart. What bothers me is when the music is just drab pentatonic stuff. Still, the vocals and singing are really strong, even if the melody isn’t.
Pitchfork score: 6.5
Shinedown, “No Sleep Tonight”
Oh eff, it’s Shinedown. I hate Shinedown. This guy is way too good to be a contemporary rock singer. He’s a belter. Except this time they’re doing an uptempo thing, and I can’t hate it.
It feels Cheap Tricky to me, which I’d automatically love from any other band, so maybe I should ignore my prejudice. This is fine!
Pitchfork score: 6.5
Holy Wars, “Battery Life”
I love this singer, almost to the point that I don’t mind the oversaturation on the vocal. This is a really specific aesthetic and production approach (i.e. it’s the Miguel one again). I think years from now everyone’s gonna be like “Why do all the vocals sound like trash?” and we won’t have a good answer. We just didn’t want to sound pristine, even if the technology could pull it off.
Awesome guitar solo.
Pitchfork score: 6.7
Windwaker, “Beautiful”
This was really obnoxious up front. I did not like it, but then it went into an early ’90s UK electro feel. It was all over the place, and I like that. I’m not wild about the the song itself, but the manic swirl of ideas is really fun.
Pitchfork score: 6.8
Muse, “Kill Or Be Killed”
Muse sure can play their instruments, including the singer’s vocal cords. I don’t even know what he’s doing with those pretty vibratos and stuff. Next level. Anyway, as far as dark operatic prog goes, this is great, and I’m not even a Muse guy.
Pitchfork score: 6.9
Yungblud w/ Willow, “Memories”
What if Frank Sinatra was an effboy; that’s the thesis here. I bet they use an even more expensive microphone and then engineer it to make it sound like trash later.
Hey, is Willow Will Smith’s daughter? She’s terrific. She’s an incredible singer with a ton of range. I feel like she could make any kind of music she wanted. I’m flattered she’s making guitar music, and that it seems popular.
Pitchfork score: 7.0
Real Friends, “Tell Me You’re Sorry”
I disagree with what people call emo sometimes, but everyone everywhere will agree this is emo. It’s got the colorful chords of midwestern late-’90s emo, plus the mall-punk aesthetics of the glammy ’00s emo that is Not True Emo to me. It’s pretty.
I’m sure I’d have loved this if it were out when I was in high school, and it would have resonated deeply if I ever had any meaningful teenage romantic relationships to compare it to. But I didn’t. I played with Lego until I was like 16.
Pitchfork score: 7.2
Nobro, “Better Each Day”
What does it say about us that so many of our songs have gospel influences? This one knows to ask the same question, and then steps aside for some major-key garage rock. It’s really well done, and I’d love to see this band play at DC9 or something.
Pitchfork score: 7.3
Wage War, “Manic”
Yet another Miguel biter before it goes heavy, kind of like Static-X heavy. This song is a mess, and I like a mess. This would have been in heavy rotation on my WinAmp in 1999.
Pitchfork score: 7.3
Missio, “Say Something”
Fuzz bass, let’s goooo. This is very familiar, like DC guitar music from the turn of the century – really spare melodies, but cool riffs. I could get down with this. No idea what the song is about. Don’t care. Bobbed my head.
Pitchfork score: 7.5
Safari Youth, “Animal”
Another bop. I was feeling this one immediately. Terrific production deployed with intent. This song doesn’t even go that hard on the hook, which is curious. And then it gets weird in the back half with trombones and organs. Total trip. I enjoyed the whole thing.
Pitchfork score: 7.5
Sueco, “Loser”
There’s way more pop punk on this soundtrack than I expected. This is identical to any song made in like 2002, but with slicker production: automated reverbs and sweeping synths and hissing risers. I like it!
Pitchfork score: 7.6
Surf Curse, “TVI”
Sounds like from another century with those dark, ambient guitars. Another band that I’d like to see play at DC9. I like the sense of progression as the song jumps between movements.
Pitchfork score: 7.7
Turnstile, “Wild Wrld”
Baltimore! These guys got huge this year, and it’s so great. They’re an evolved form of a very specific guitar sound, both within and outside hardcore. They do like phaser sweeps, which no one does in that scene. It feels like a bunch of different ideas taped together, but instead of being junk it becomes a new, coherent thing. This is not my fave song by them, but they’re a fave overall.
Pitchfork score: 7.8
The Amazons, “Wait For Me”
A truly awful band name in the year of our lord 2022. This song won me over from the first line. A peppy pop song with a ton of hooks and charisma. I can’t deny it.
Pitchfork score: 8.2
Stick To Your Guns, “A World To Win”
“We’ve got nothing to lose but these chains,” eh? Obvious leftist propaganda is obvious. Very PMA hardcore. I’m a soft target for this.
Pitchfork score: 8.3
Ghost, “Kaisarion”
I’m a total Ghost head (“ghoul”), so this was a layup. The song is about the stoning death of a philosopher named Hypatia by an early Christian cult – and by extension the religious panic that birthed a new empire. More practically, it’s a flawless synthesizing of a billion rock bands from like ’74 to ’83. I hear a lot of Styx, Boston, Rush, Cheap Trick in this one. If you like this, go check out Impera.
Pitchfork score: 8.8
Pup, “Totally Fine”
Ugh, I love this?! Noisy, smushed guitars. Pretty hook sung by a voice barely capable of pulling it off. That’s always a good tension.
Pitchfork score: 9.2
Gojira, “Our Time Is Now”
The biggest and best heavy band out right now sends one right over the plate.
Pitchfork score: 9.3
In the end, I liked way more of these songs that I expected to. Still not gonna play the game though. See you on Overwatch 2. I’ll be the guy getting roasted in voice chat by a seventh grader.
P.S. My own record comes out next Friday. It’s good, I promise.
Headline photo: EA Sports
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