The Capitals kick off their Round One series against the Carolina Hurricanes on Thursday night, which means: it’s time to get our hate on.
Here are the top ten reasons to hate the Carolina Hurricanes.
Dougie Hamilton likes museums too much
The Calgary Flames made the right move when they traded away defender Dougie Hamilton last summer. John Shannon reportedly told a Canadian radio station, “the whole team would go for lunch at Moxies and Dougie Hamilton would go to the museum.”
Hamilton’s anti-team/pro-antiquity bias was an obvious drag on the Flames. Once he left, the Flames went from winning 84 points in 2017-18 to 107 in 2018-19. Problem solved . . . except for Carolina, who have yet to suffer the consequences of Hamilton’s fetish for abstract-expressionist painting and Frank Lloyd Wright-designed furniture.
It’ll come. Trust us. It’ll come.
Their logo looks kind of dumb
To quote Hurricanes fan anivoflean on Reddit, “our primary logo just looks like a temporary tribal tattoo that someone got out of one of those 50 cent dispensers at a grocery store.” The Weagle, for instance, is superior in its classic simplicity and not being difficult to draw at all.
Their captain is overly emotional
Charismatic players who actually enjoy playing the sport are so played out. Captain of the Canes, former Capital Justin Williams, is running around willy-nilly spreading the contagion of fun to everyone around him. Put on a hospital mask and gloves already, Justin.
They won a cup before so like why should they again
It would be so rude and greedy to win a second Stanley Cup when some teams haven’t even won one. Sharing is caring, Canes.
They’re copycats
Sebastian Aho is one of two Sebastian Ahos in the NHL, which probably caused a glitch in the Matrix. The two Nicklas Backstroms were a “C” apart which makes it totally fine and not at all human plagiarism.
Photo: @SaraCivian
Not horrible enough
Mutual respect is overrated and playoff series that aren’t drenched in hate are a perversion of the great game of hockey.
Should be noted the level of respect the Caps have for Justin Williams. They called him when they won the Cup. Backstrom told me last week he is not at all surprised “one of his favorite people ever” has lead the Canes to success this season
— Sara Civ (@SaraCivian) April 7, 2019
Storm surges aren’t actually that fun
Excessive celebrations are disrespectful to the game of hockey. The so-called “Storm Surges” are not only a middle finger to the venerable institution of the National Hockey League, they’re also not nearly as entertaining as people think they are. Not even the one where they pretended to be fishing, or went curling, or did the limbo, or played duck-duck-goose.
Their coach sounds like a WWE star
Everything about Rod “The Bod” Brind’Amour’s name sounds like a made-up WWE character and he has the workout regimen to match. Luckily the Todd Squad will be more than ready to take him down.
They had a Mom’s Trip
We’re not actually mad about this. We’re just jealous.
They’re jerks
The Canes are jerks. Unlike the Capitals. We’re not jerks. No jerks to see here. Pay no attention to the eagle behind the iron curtain.
Headline photo: @dougieham
