Hi, my name is Ian Oland. I’m driving this here Capitals bandwagon. This week, we’ve travelled all over North America. We’ve had great success picking up many new friends, but I must admit my patience is wearing thin. Trebek keeps drinking liquor and challenging everyone to a shirtless bare-knuckle brawl. One of the oxen has died and several of our hockey oddsmakers have typhoid fever.
But no matter. As we press forward on Lord Stanley’s trail, we are scheduled to pick up four fine gentlemen on this here Capitals game day. First are the notorious rabble rousers from the NBCSN channel: Mr. Mike Milbury and Mr. Keith Jones.
— Jackson Dolge (@capsplz) April 13, 2016
"I don't think there is any question that the @washcaps should come out of the Eastern Conference." -Mike Milbury on the Washington Capitals
— NBC Sports PR (@NBCSportsPR) April 13, 2016
Ah, yes. Milbury. It’s bold for this character to join us. I already see a lot of you in the back side-eyeing him and sharpening your knives. It seems as if Milbury hasn’t made many friends with his low-hockey IQ, plus-minus, ‘eurotrash’ comments about our Captain. (Or beating people with a shoe. Or trading Roberto Luongo, giving Alexi Yashin a 10-year contract, and then claiming he’s a hockey expert.)
Keith Jones, now this weird lookin’ fella used to be one of us. That wagon used to play on our favorite team and was a linchpin in the community. Then he got hired to CSN Philadelphia and became a first-class troll. But we are not one to judge on this here Capitals bandwagon. Our arms are extended and welcoming to everyone, even our foes.
Next, we must travel to downtown New York City to pick up long-time sports anchor Keith Olbermann, who seems to be pained to be picking against his dear Rangers.
And finally, we can take a break and go hunting for food after we pick up an 80’s legend: Ralph Macchio, The Karate Kid.
What an honor. You, sir, are the best. Now go please tell Trebek to put his shirt on.
To summarize, these brawlers join Alan Thicke, Teddy Sears, Taylor Kitsch, Scott Stevens, Mike Rupp, Neil Smith, Mike Johnson, Dave Reid, Elliotte Friedman, Nick Kypreos, Doug MacLean, Mike Modano, Roddy White, Alex Trebek, Larry King, All Hockey Oddsmakers, EA Sports’ NHL 16, and this number eight branded Utz potato chip my mother gave me on this here wagon.
But not Bill Simmons. He’s a hater.
A Washington team is favored to make the Finals of a professional sport. I mean, what could go wrong?
— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) April 12, 2016
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