Welcome to 2016. A new year is often viewed as a clean slate or an opportunity to start anew. Resolutions are made, gym memberships rise, and, for many, hope is revived where it had grown dormant.
American poet W.S. Merwin once wrote the following in his poem To the New Year:
our hopes such as they are
invisible before us
untouched and still possible
While the new calendar year falls in the middle of the NHL season, there are still plenty of teams who would like to start fresh, so that hope may still seem possible. While some teams may find success in 2016, your favorite team won’t.
Because your favorite hockey team sucks and all hope is lost.
Anaheim Ducks: The Ducks have had since October to separate themselves from the pack in the god-awful Pacific Division. The freakin’ Pacific Division, people. They haven’t and this speaks for itself.
Arizona Coyotes: Eventually Mike Smith will return from injury and be the starting goalie.
Boston Bruins: The best summer blockbuster of 2015 was Don Sweeney’s “How Can I Try To Make My Team Suck?” We’re eagerly awaiting his 2016 sequel.
Buffalo Sabres: Because this is 2016, not 2017.
Calgary Flames: We call this one “you can’t win if you don’t have the puck.”
Carolina Hurricanes: The good news is Cam Ward‘s contract comes off the books after this season. The bad news is July 1st is still about six months away.
Chicago Blackhawks: This is a team that voluntarily acquired Rob Scuderi and put him in their lineup. YOLO.
Colorado Avalanche: LOL
Columbus Blue Jackets: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Dallas Stars: See Capitals, Washington, 2009-10.
Detroit Red Wings: Let’s see, Mike Babcock is gone but thank goodness Justin Abdelkader is around for the next 73 seasons.
Edmonton Oilers: Auston Matthews or bust!
Florida Panthers: Is there a vision here? There’s a good amount of talent, but what’s the long-term plan here? PS: How’s that Dave Bolland contract going?
Los Angeles Kings: Do you think Mike Richards would have been discarded so quickly if he had still been a productive player when he was arrested? The answer is no. The team took a player’s addiction issues as an excuse to pull off some killer cap circumvention. The cherry on top of Dean Lombardi’s “I’m a schmuck” sundae was this melodramatic explanation. Karma, please do you thing with Mr. Lombardi.
Minnesota Wild: Pretty likable bunch they’ve got up there in Minny. Great coach, fun team, and they clearly love War on Ice as much as the next person. But seriously, your ECHL team is the Quad City Mallards?
Montreal Canadiens: Three wins and nine losses since December 7. The Curse of The Sasha is real and it’s not going anywhere anytime soon
Nashville Predators: Nashville, you’re cool and all. But, please suck in 2016. I will not be able to handle the theatrical reactions of Caps fans if Filip Forsberg finds success in the playoffs before Alex Ovechkin does.
New Jersey Devils: It doesn’t hurt to have one of the best goalies in the league but I was watching a Devils game recently and it occurred to me that zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
New York Islanders: Does Brooklyn know they have a hockey team? Have they tried making a Vampire Weekend tune their goal song yet? That might get some tight-pantsed locals to take in a game.
New York Rangers: Remember when some Rangers fans got #MadOnline at me when I said their early season success wouldn’t last? Yeah, about that…
Ottawa Senators: 2016 would be a great year if you could find a way to clone Erik Karlsson…
Philadelphia Flyers: The team’s list of contracts is a funnier read than the comics in your local newspaper.
Pittsburgh Penguins: Nothing quite like wasting one of the few prime seasons left for Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin by having a blue line composed of guys who can’t hit those superstars on the tape with a breakout pass to save their life.
San Jose Sharks: The Sharks kind of rebuilt on the fly but kind of didn’t. Now they are just kind of there, hanging out, enjoying the mild climate.
St. Louis Blues: Ken Hitchcock is unaware that he doesn’t have to play Jay Bouwmeester over 23 minutes per game.
Tampa Bay Lightning: Your superstar player appears reluctant to sign a long-term deal and is only months away from signing with Toronto. Your brightest young player has requested a trade. Good luck.
Toronto Maple Leafs: Because it’s not 2018.
Vancouver Canucks: It’s not a matter of if Jim Benning will make another terrible trade, it’s only a matter of when.
Washington Capitals: This is about your favorite team, not mine. Got it, buddy?
Winnipeg Jets: Can someone let the Jets know that they are in fact allowed to score when on the power play?
Haters: Don’t @ me.
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
All original content on russianmachineneverbreaks.com is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-NC-SA 3.0)– unless otherwise stated or superseded by another license. You are free to share, copy, and remix this content so long as it is attributed, done for noncommercial purposes, and done so under a license similar to this one.