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The Orpikalypse Test

By Peter Hassett

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July 3, 2014 4:19 pm

orpik

I’m starting to get the feeling not everyone agrees about the Brooks Orpik signing. The ex-Penguin defender brings experience and grit to a blue line that lacked both, and for some that makes him a good acquisition. For others, he’s an aging, struggling player on a too-long and too-expensive contract. I count myself among that camp. I think Neil Greenberg at WaPo did a good job summarizing that position.

Still, there’s always a chance I’m wrong. I’ve certainly been wrong before. I was wrong about the decline of Marcus Johansson. I was wrong about the viability of the Chimera-Ward pairing. I was wrong about the Capitals’ playoff chances in 2013. I could be wrong about Orpik. Like any rational person, I reserve the right to change my mind when more information is presented.

Maybe this is a good opportunity to set terms. What would make for a successful tenure for Brooks Orpik in Washington? I’ve got a proposal for you.

Inspired by @nogoodtrying138, I call it The Orpikalypse Test.

A. Brooks Orpik shall automatically be a success if the following conditions is met:

  1. The Washington Capitals win the Stanley Cup with Orpik on the active roster. Duh.

B. Brooks Orpik shall be a success if any TWO of the following conditions are met :

  1. Orpik posts a positive relative possession score in three or more seasons.
  2. Orpik improves the WOWY possession score of his most frequent defensive pairing partner.
  3. Orpik averages above 21 minutes of ice time through the life of his contract (3+ years).
  4. Orpik scores 10 goals and 30 assists in two out of five seasons.
  5. Orpik plays top-4 minutes in the final year of his contract.

C. Brooks Orpik shall NOT be a success if ANY of the following conditions are met:

  1. The conditions in sections A and B are not met.
  2. Orpik is bought out.
  3. Orpik is traded with salary retained.
  4. Orpik fails to play in 75% of games in three or more seasons.
  5. Esa Tikkanen.

D. The test shall be deemed inconclusive if ANY of the following conditions are met:

  1. Orpik is traded before his third season and no salary is retained.
  2. Orpik fails a physical for concussion or catastrophic injury. (The Pronger Clause)

Does this sound fair? Any recommendations for additions or edits?

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