Ian and I were born and raised in Frederick, Maryland, which is the greatest city on the face of the Earth. This is relevant information, because now we’re inviting you to town.

Our hometown baseball team, the Frederick Keys, are having their hockey night on Saturday, April 12. We’ve missed the event two years in a row, but we’re definitely going this time– because Craig Laughlin and Alan May will be there! And we want you to come too.

We’ll eat peanuts, drink beers, talk hockey, watch baseball, and generally have a blast.

Who: You! Us! Craig and Alan! Glynn Davis!

What: Hockey night! Keys vs Lynchburg Hillcats! (Boo Hillcats! We don’t like them!)

Where: Harry Grove Stadium, 21 Stadium Dr, Frederick, MD 21703

When: Saturday, April 12, 2:00 PM

Why: Because the weather is nice, the people are good, and the hockey makes us sad.

I’m excited. The Caps will wrap up the regular season the very next day, so this might be our last chance to hang out for a while– and we’d be doing it at a beautiful ball park in the middle of spring.

Tickets cost between somewhere 6 and 14 bucks, which you can buy at the gate. If you tell them you’re with RMNB, you will not get a discount. You might get a suspicious side-eye.

It’s a big promotions night for them. According to the Keys:

• Come meet Washington Capitals alumni Craig Laughlin and Alan May. Also in attendance will be Caps mascot, Slapshot!
• The first 1,000 fans through the gates will receive a FREE Keys calendar.
• Get your Keys magnet schedule presented by Precision Heating and Cooling.

I don’t know about y’all, but I’m getting me a magnet schedule. Also, maybe a high five from Locker. And almost certainly an insult from Alan May.

Thing you need to know: General admission gets you bleacher or lawn seats. We’ll probably be on the bleachers.

Ian will be wearing an RMNB shirt. I will be wearing a single pink carnation in my lapel. Bring five thousand US dollars in non-consecutive, unmarked bills. Place it in a paper bag three seats in on the second row from the back. There you will find a dossier containing the microfiche.

Another thing you need to know: The Keys have a mascot called Frank Key.

He scares the living hell out of me.

Lifeless eyes. Dead eyes. Like a doll’s eyes.

Yet another thing you need to know: I live like two blocks from the stadium, but please don’t come over. Even if you see the huge Knuble head in the window. Even if you see the best bullypup ever next to said Knuble head. My house is tiny and I’m very afraid of you.

Final thing you need to know: Come! It’ll be so much fun! Maybe we’ll go out for drinks afterwards! Yay!