We set out a task, faithful users of the Russian Machine, to create birthday cards worthy of our gut-less (wait, did that sound bad?) leader. The only rules: use an inferior graphics program to make it.
What we avoided telling you again this year was that we didn’t have to follow the same rules. Above, is our Penguin-Pinata card for Ovi via RMNB illustrator, Rachel Cohen.
Meanwhile, you guys rocked this assignment harder than a Bruce Boudreau fitness test. Unfortunately, only one of you could win our grand prize: a RMNB t-shirt and a Mr. Big Bar. Cruise on past the jump to check out the gallery.
First, we start with the people who didn’t follow directions.
First, Alice A. sends us “The Ovi Dance,” as performed by Phillip — whom we’re going to assume is her kid (no clarification in the email). The editing: profound and superb. How about this? Alice, send us your address and we’ll mail your son over a Mr. Big Bar. Well, just as long as you promise to take video of him dancing after he eats it.
Jenna M. tweeted us a cake. For what this lacks in pretty pictures it makes up for in high fructose corn syrup!
To the actual cards! Reader Justine K. flipped the script on a “In Soviet Russia” joke. The illustration of Ovechkin: tremendous. The cutting out of the illustration: not so much.
Not sure why Alex Semin and Bon Jovi have jetpacks here, but it sure makes me laugh. Via the demented mind of Brendan S!
Reader Sarah pokes a little fun at Ovi’s ways of communicating online.
Lisa A. too!
Someone tell Alex N. that you need to keep the cup at least an arms length away from your favorite team’s superstars or you’ll jinx them to hell like we did in the playoffs.
Reader Hosannah, confounded like everyone else by Ovi’s pants on pants combination, let’s Ovi know we still love him.
Via holidayblues.tumblr.com, here’s Ovi’s detached head in a box. Weird. My favorite part of this graphic is the dots around the text. Really gives it a professional look.
Here’s another one from our buddy, Alex N., who took out the colored pencils for this masterpiece!
We hope all your wishes come true too, Ovi (but don’t eat too much pizza)! Via Reader Miranda K.
Sasha O. sent us this card via twi… Hey, wait a minute. How did this get in here?
Also via Reader Miranda K.
LuAyne B. helps Snoop Dogg pass along his well wishes! Fantastic.
When I first saw this card, I couldn’t stop laughing. Who knew Ovi looked so much like Chewy when he put on that hat and burka in Dagestan. Great work, Brendan S.!
Defending birthday card champion Stephanie C. makes it rain nachos.
Just like Anastasia and her grandmother were united “Together in Paris” in the film, we hope on the year of his 26th brirthday that Ovie and Lord Stanley can find themselves united “Together in Washington.” Congrats, Rachel C. You’re our grand prize winner. Shoot us an email!
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
All original content on russianmachineneverbreaks.com is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-NC-SA 3.0)– unless otherwise stated or superseded by another license. You are free to share, copy, and remix this content so long as it is attributed, done for noncommercial purposes, and done so under a license similar to this one.