I’ll meet you at the bottom if there really is one / They always told me, “when you hit it, you’ll know it” / But I’ve been falling so long, it’s like gravity is gone, and I’m just floating
– Drive-by Truckers
RECAP: Six losses in a row. The season’s fourth shutout. Bad defense, worse offense. Seven goals against. Ovechkin fought. Caps and Rangers tied at 19 scoring chances. Hannan minus-7 SC differential. Hendricks minus-5.[END RECAP.]
Here’s a list of worthless excuses:
Photo credit: Scott Levy
The Capitals are no longer a super-talented team with Stanley Cup aspirations. They’re not that offensively loaded crew who mysteriously loses games to lesser teams in freak occurrences. The so-called “bad bounces” cannot sustain for two weeks, but bad habits sure as heck can. Yes, the losing streak is awful, but the team hasn’t played their right brand of hockey since March. Back then, there were no un-winnable games. Now the opposite seems true.
So we’re downgrading the Caps. They are now a losing hockey team with mediocre talent. It will remain this way until they can prove otherwise. Neil and the numbers say that a loss like this should happen 0.02% of the time, so tonight is the freakiest of freak occurrences. right? But doesn’t it feel like this slump could go on forever?
Mike Vogel has been the voice of reason: “Don’t panic,” he says like the late, great Douglas Adams. But that’s no longer possible for us. Here we go.
ARTICLE I: No more Caps jerseys, t-shirts, hats, underpants, or toast until they win. No rocking the red unless you’re at the game. If your hair is red, dye it black. Send the bill to Ian; he’ll reimburse you.
ARTICLE II: Just to be safe, you should probably un-friend all redheads on Facebook.
ARTICLE III: Firing the cursed, winless Scott Hannan is not enough. He must be flogged and exiled from D.C. Salt the earth.
ARTICLE IV: Joe Beninati will publicly burn his ghastly, unlucky suit.
ARTICLE V: Set aside 10-15 minutes every day for silent, uncontrollable sobbing.
ARTICLE VI: Morrissey’s Your Arsenal is the only music you can listen to. Two and a Half Men is the only TV show you can watch. Mozzarella sticks and soda shall be your only nourishment.
ARTICLE VII: No more uppercase (formerly known as “capital”) letters. All lowercase. This post is exempted from Article VII.
ARTICLE VIII: As of Monday night, RMNB is going dark.
That’s right, people. We’re turning the lights off at RMNB until the Capitals end their winless streak. It’s a drastic measure, but it’s necessary.
We’re panicking because something’s gotta change. And that change doesn’t mean personnel or coaching or systems. No one is Graham Gano here. We just need good habits and superior effort from our heroes. We need them to be the team we love, not the disaffected clowns who are apparently just killing time until the playoffs. If the Capitals can crash the net, fight in the corners, clear the puck out of the zone, and fight off the forecheck, everything will be alright.
Here’s King Cnut the Great, fighting off the tide all by himself.
Everything will be alright.
Additional reporting by Neil Greenberg.
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
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