This week the Washington Capitals released the full and final list of goal songs picked by the players, but it’s sadly incomplete. Goalie Braden Holtby isn’t on there.
Now, Holtby has never scored a goal, but it could happen. Pekka Rinne scored a goal this year, and Holtby called that “awesome.” And in his career, Holtby’s been credited with two shot attempts in addition to eleven assists. So for him to not have a goal song feels like a failure to address a very real contingency. Nay– an eventuality.
When Holtby finally does score a goal, here’s what we need to hear.
“Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better”
This is the only Holtby goal song that gives off Legally Blonde “what, like it’s hard?” vibes to all the real goal-scorers.
“Wonderwall” by Oasis
The quintessential dude-picks-up-a-guitar-at-a-party song. “Oh, sorry, were you dancing to Robyn’s Body Talk Part II? How about these same four chords over and over again instead?” Cool, thanks for killing the vibe, Holts.
“I Will Wait” by Mumford & Sons
The only thing more inspirational than the anthem for the Caps winning the Stanley Cup in 2018 would be the exact same song except for Holtby scoring a meaningless goal in garbage time.
“Don’t Touch Me” by Brak
Goalies = off limits.
“Where Have All the Cowboys Gone” by Paula Cole
So much sass when the stetson-wearing goalie takes scoring into his own hands.
“Chains of Love” by Erasure
You might say that a British synth pop band from the 80s is a bad goal song for the guitar-playing good old boy from Lloydminster, but Holtby SAID GAY RIGHTS.
“Commercial” by Das Racist
I dunno; this is just a jam. Elite hipster vibes. Maybe too ironical for Braden.
“Maybe It’s Time” by Bradley Cooper
Extremely cinephile voice: but did you knooooooow that Bradley Cooper’s character in A Star is Born was based off Holtby and the time he didn’t shower for two straight days?
That’s all for now. Hopefully we temporarily distracted you from the Caps playing badly, global warming, and the inevitable heat death of universe. Hey, what comes first: entropy or a Holtby goal? Also, what other songs should Holtby have? Don’t say Sturgill Simpson — too easy. Don’t say “Fake Plastic Trees” — too much like Wonderwall but for the druggy clique.
(H/T @tictacbergerac!)
Headline photo: @PrestigeGuitars
