Friends, it is time again for the best two weeks in hockey: the quarterfinal round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. There will be two intense games a night for the foreseeable future, and they will all be bananas.
why watch overtime playoff hockey when you can simply snort cocaine and ride a motorcycle out of a helicopter
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) April 17, 2014
Time for predictions.
Hey, are familiar with Keith? Keith is a coin. He makes guesses about things, and he is right about fifty percent of the time.
Our results will appear in the table below, using the universally understood 🚽/🌮 score-keeping system.
| First Round | Peter | Ian | Keith |
|---|---|---|---|
| Boston vs Florida | |||
| Toronto vs Tampa | |||
| Carolina vs NY Islanders | |||
| New Jersey vs NY Rangers | |||
| Dallas vs Minnesota | |||
| Colorado vs Seattle | |||
| Vegas vs Winnipeg | |||
| Edmonton vs LA | |||
| Second Round | Peter | Ian | Keith |
| TBD | |||
| TBD | |||
| TBD | |||
| TBD | |||
| Third Round | Peter | Ian | Keith |
| TBD | |||
| TBD | |||
| Finals | Peter | Ian | Keith |
| TBD |
Boston 🐻 vs. Florida 🐱
Peter: As much as I’d love to see the Bruins get humbled, it’s not going to happen in this round unless they get goalied. Florida’s goalie is Sergei Bobrovsky, so that’s definitely not in the cards. Boston in 5.
Ian: Boston is the greatest regular season team of all time, and Florida has been a mess all season long. So obviously: Panthers in 6.
Keith, a Coin: Boston.
Toronto 🍁 vs. Tampa ⚡️
Peter: A rematch of last postseason’s first round match-up. The Leafs are a (slightly) better team this season, and the Lightning are a worse one, but I have to default to the fates here. The Leafs are cosmically banned from the second round. Tampa in 7.
Ian: As a Capitals fan, pain is all I know. Ilya Samsonov: prepare to turn into Hot Goalie. Toronto in 5.
Keith, a Coin: Toronto.
Carolina 🌀 vs. NY Islanders 🎣
Peter: The only reason the Islanders got even close to the playoffs is the lights-out rego-szn performance of Ilya Sorokin. I think he’s great, but I don’t think he can deliver four wins against the team that leads the league in expected-goal rate. Carolina in 6.
Ian: The New York Islanders’ system is ugly and boring, but it’s perfect for postseason hockey. Everybody’s back and funnel the biscuit hard to then net on O. Sorokin got them to the playoffs, but this chunky blight of a system will make them an incredibly hard out. Islanders in 6.
Keith, a Coin: NY Islanders.
New Jersey 😈 vs. NY Rangers 🏙️
Peter: Yay! I am so psyched for this series. The Rangers got gradually better over the course of the season, whereas the Devils started and finished it excellently, but they were kinda blah it the middle. I’m a devout believer in the Devils, but this is going to be a real challenge. New Jersey in 6.
Ian: The New Jersey Devils are one of the most electrifying teams in the NHL, featuring a fast, potent offense that’s hard to stop. But their goaltending (sorry, The Vitek), their reliance on skill to score, and their general youngness makes them not ready yet. The Rangers are built to go deep into the postseason. NY Rangers in 7.
Keith, a Coin: NY Rangers.
Dallas ⭐️ vs. Minnesota 🐅
Peter: I have a lot of incentives to like the Wild – obviously I like HC Dean Evason and adore Marcus Johansson – but I think they’re probably the weakest team in the west– unspecial at driving play, even-strength finishing, or the power play. They have a good penalty kill, but that’s not going to be enough against Dallas – a similarly dull team, but with way better top-end scoring in Robertson, Hintz, and Benn. Dallas in 6.
Ian: The Wild have so much speed, forecheck well, and play such great defense, I’m not picking against them. Minnesota in 6.
Keith, a Coin: Dallas.
Colorado ❄️ vs. Seattle 🐙
Peter: Ah, this will be fun! Seattls plays fast and scores a lot. Colorado used to do the same, but injury and the Cup victory have softened them a bit. I think the defending champions are going home early. Seattle in 7.
Ian: The Avalanche seemed to struggle to get through the regular season after winning the Cup last year. Yes, they’re without some of the top stars from last year, but I still think they’re enough to take care of business quickly here. Colorado in 5.
Keith, a Coin: Seattle.
Vegas ⚔️ vs. Winnipeg ✈️
Peter: I don’t think the Jets are very good at all. I think they’d have missed the playoffs if they were in the Metropolitan Division again – remember that? Vegas has also been really uneven, especially missing Mark Stone for half the season, but they enter the playoffs on an uptick. Give me Vegas in 7.
Ian: Jack Eichel is in the playoffs, watch out world. Vegas in 6.
Keith, a Coin: Vegas.
Edmonton 🛢️ vs. Los Angeles 👑
Peter: Unlucky draw for Connor McDavid. The Kings might be the best defensive team in the league. I think star power will prove out – or LA’s so-so goaltending will be exposed – you could see it either way. Edmonton in 6.
Ian: This year, both Connor Mc’s are going off and going deep in the postseason. Edmonton in 6.
Keith, a Coin: Los Angeles.
Your turn. Drop [CITY] in [NUMBER OF GAMES] and call us wrong.
