Tomorrow, Caps goalie Braden Holtby will enter free agency for the first time in a ten-year career that has seen him win a Vezina, a Jennings, and a Stanley Cup. At the same time, veteran goalie Henrik Lundqvist, just bought out by the New York Rangers, is widely rumored to become the next goalie of the Washington Capitals.

So, who is better: Hank or Holtby?

What follows is a multi-phase competition in which the combatants will be judged on a variety of topics to determine who is the better dude. This is all scientific and rigorous and whatever.

Guitar

Both Braden Holtby and Henrik Lundqvist play guitar. They both have performed live. There is video. So who can shred? Who is the better performer?

Here’s Holtby playing for his teammates at the the Dubh Linn Gate Pub in Whistler, BC, with video recorded by Bob Crook.

Meanwhile, there’s a lot of video of Lundqvist playing guitar. Here’s him performing Guns N Roses’ Sweet Child of Mine.

And here’s him performing Guns N Roses’ Sweet Child of Mine.

And here’s him performing Guns N Roses’ Sweet Child of Mine.

Hmm. That’s just the same song three times. It could just be muscle memory. Meanwhile, Holtby sang with a nice vibrato baritone and whistling.

Winner: Holtby

Hair

These are two very well-maned goalie people, but they specialize in different domains of coiffure, which is a word I just looked up.

Lundqvist’s hair has been through phases (the late 00’s were not kind to him), but he has settled into a debonair look that suits him well.

Meanwhile, Holtby’s hair was actually the inspiration for Bradley Cooper’s in A Star Is Born. That’s not true. I made that up. Holtby has a big salad, and he likes his salads soaking wet. He keeps thousand island in his Gatorade bottle.

So Hank specializes in the red-carpet look, and Holtby’s more sporty and moist. This looks like it’s going to be another tie unless someone can — wait a second– is that Holtby’s music?!

Well, well, well! Holts can pull of the formal look too, but with an added rock star insouciance that Hank simply cannot match.

Winner: Holtby

Face looks

Unlike guitar-playing skills and hair, where there is a clear winner and no room for debate, face looks is a more subjective realm. The only way to evaluate face looks objectively is to use an independent and scientifically validated third party that is definitely not creepy phrenology at all: PrettyScale.com.

I plugged both players’ headshots in and here are the results.

There is no disputing the Science. Lundqvist’s face is more symmetrical, and Holtby’s mouth is too small. Holtby, with a 59 percent is “not bad”, but Lundqvist is full-on “pretty” with a 79 percent.

Winner: Hank

Haute couture

I think that is the fancy way to say clothes. I’m probably using it wrong. See if I care.

In 2016, the New York Times did a profile just on Lundqvist as hockey’s “fashion leader.” So that’s a plus in his column. But I can’t read it because it’s behind a paywall and I spend my scratch on subscriptions to the Washington Post and Frederick News-Post. So it doesn’t count.

Wait, crap. There are more:

• Sports Illustrated: Henrik Lundqvist brings his classic style—and a bit of European flair—to the NHL
• GQ: 6 Style Moves to Steal from Henrik Lundqvist
• Men’s Journal: Style Advice From New York Rangers’ Goalie Henrik Lundqvist

He’s even got a fashion category on his website. He even designed his own watch!

Photo courtesy of TAG HEUER

Can Holtby keep up with Lundqvist’s impressive lead? Well, he had a fashion profile of his own, but he shared it with Mike Green and it was in the Washingtonian. Not on Lundqvist’s level. Holtby does not have his own signature watch as far as I know, and if he does I refuse to look it up. But what Holtby does have…

… is hats.

The absolute range of this unit. What a display. Taking Hank to boomtown on the hat front.

When Lundqvist wears hats. . . well. . .

Enough said. We’re calling this one a tie.

Winner: Tie

Their actual jobs

Enough of the silly stuff. Let’s get Serious and Advanced and Analytical about goaltending. Here’s the breakdown from HockeyViz.

Lundqvist	Holtby

I have no idea what that means.

Winner: Tie

Final decision

These are two good dudes. They’re both committed to charitable work; Lundqvist has a foundation that works with education and health. Braden Holtby has personally given lots of money to Black Lives Matter DC and the hungry.  They’re both universally loved by their fans and teammates. They’ve both reached the peak of individual achievement in their sport. They both have really good hair. They both shred on the axe.

Braden Holtby will always be my all-time favorite Capitals player. I’m sad that he’s moving on, but I’m excited for his future. Henrik Lundqvist can’t and won’t fill the hole Holtby will leave, but he’s a good person and a legendary goalie. We will warmly welcome him to DC.

Just, ya know, work on your hat game.

We’re all winners here.