The Official NHL Shop is currently running a bunch of sales. That’s good news if you’re looking for good gifts for your friends and loved ones, but that’s not me. I’m terrible at buying gifts, plus I’m inconsiderate, and also I’m incapable of being sincere about anything. So, instead, here are the dumbest gifts I found on the NHL store.
You can save a lot of money on these horrible gifts that everyone will hate if you use the code NHLSAVE30 on checkout.
This brandless “Caps” hat that makes people think it’s just a hat about liking hats
Sweet, dude. I see you like caps, as you are wearing one right now. I like caps as well.
This “Rock the Red” shirt that is not red at all
I’m baffled by this one. If you buy this for a friend or loved one, you will surely confuse everyone who is around them when they wear it.
This dork-patrol red oxford
Perfect for the dweeb in your family who probably sucks at golf but plays all the time anyway, so at least now he can look like Papa John while he gets destroyed on the links.
These Caps cufflinks you will never wear and will probably lose
When was the last time you wore french cuffs? These are fine for, like, your groomsmen, who are in a fixed location and going to wear french cuffs imminently. For anyone else, unless they run a hedge fund or on the executive board of Monumental: not a good move.
This retina-shredding red tie for clowns
That shade of red sure is a choice.
There is actually a really good Caps tie. I have it. I love it. Get that one instead.
This shirt that turns a 35-year-old Wayne Gretzky insult into corporate brand synergy
In 1984, Wayne Gretzky called the Devils a “Mickey Mouse” team. In 2019, the NHL has a merchandise licensing agreement with Disney, so now every team can be a Mickey Mouse team. Maybe I’d recommend this shirt for our own Rachel Cohen, but she’s more of a Donald Duck person anyway.
This aggressively cropped Weagle jacket
Poor Weagle. You are surely the superior Caps team logo, but you get shafted for the wordmark all the time, and now you must suffer this indignity.
This shirt that associates the Caps with a fictional, fascist, genocidal government
I swear, if you put some “actually the Empire was good” nonsense in comments, I will flip. Order 66, using clones as cannon fodder, Alderaan. Get real. They’re the baddies.
These fuzzy boots with low-res Weagle
I could actually get on board with this level of trashiness, but you can’t half ass it. Wear it with a acid-washed denim jacket while waving your Bon Jovi Slippery When Wet ’86 World Tour tickets.
These knit winter boots that may or may not be waterproof
I searched for “water” on the product page and got zero hits. Wear at your own risk.
This anti-Bolshevik Caps shirt
If one of your loved ones works for CATO or AEI, I’ve got some great news.
This NHL Awards shirt from four years ago
Apparently they’re out of the old Southeast Division champions shirts, so this is the oldest, most obscure one I could find. So, uh, know any X Ambassadors fans?
This Auston Matthews-signed puck for All-Star game where Kid Rock played
“Kid Rock is the most talented musician, I think ever, on the planet.” – Jeremy Roenick
P.S. Some of the deals in our actual Black Friday Gift Guide are still going.
If you make a purchase after following a link from this page, RMNB may get a portion of the sale.
