If, this weekend, Columbus beats Nashville, Philadelphia beats New York, and Ottawa beats Pittsburgh, then the Washington Capitals would play the Pittsburgh Penguins in the first round.
That’s fine. I want it. I don’t even care. Do it. DO IT.
Yeah, Pittsburgh really could still fall to the wild card spot. Hockeyviz says it could happen.
It’s unlikely, but it’s still possible, and I want it. That’s how buckwild I am.
me: i dont even care if they cancel sports
howard stern: Thats wild— digitalronin (@dril) April 25, 2014
The Caps and Pens split their four-game regular-season series with the Caps getting a narrow edge in goals, 13 to 12. That’s not bad. I’m not scared of them.
Am I supposed to be afraid of this guy? I’m supposed to be afraid of this touring-bass-player-for-Florida-Georgia-Line-looking good good boy right here? He’s not even the best hockey player in his family. Get out of here.
The Caps out-attempted the Penguins 173 to 165 during 5-on-5 play this season and outchanced them 101 to 95. I don’t know what the high-danger count was, but it definitely wasn’t the Pens 43, the Caps 34 – that’s for sure. The Caps have their flaws – for example the entire defensive part of the ice – but they could beat the Penguins in a best-of-seven series.
Still, that’s not why I want it. It want it because the Caps need it. Not like, practically. They definitely don’t need this. At all. I cannot stress that enough. This would be a bad thing.
But, like, morally and spiritually and cosmologically, the Capitals need to face and defeat the Penguins.
In 1998 the Capitals defeated the Bruins, Senators, and Sabres to make the Stanley Cup Finals. That was a silly path to the finals. This year it should go Penguins, Flyers, then a mirror match against an evil version of the Capitals where everyone has goatees, and then the Nashville Predators in the Stanley Cup Forsberg, sorry, Final. It can’t just be a practical victory where the team gets a trophy and the fans get a parade and Alex Ovechkin gets a bunch of Ottawa mittenstringers to shut the hell up; it has to be a moral victory against the team’s own demons, who are actual demons who live in the Allegheny Plateau and all wear black and yellow and eat sandwiches with soggy fries inside them.
The Caps have played the Penguins in the playoffs 62 times in ten series since 1991. The Caps have won 24 of those games and exactly one of those series. That win was in 1994. Twenty-four years ago. The number one song in the country was “Bump N’ Grind.”
| Loffs | WSH wins | PIT wins |
|---|---|---|
| 1991 | 1 | 4 |
| 1992 | 3 | 4 |
| 1994 | 4 | 2 |
| 1995 | 3 | 4 |
| 1996 | 2 | 4 |
| 2000 | 1 | 4 |
| 2001 | 2 | 4 |
| 2009 | 3 | 4 |
| 2016 | 2 | 4 |
| 2017 | 3 | 4 |
This is bad and it should stop.
We don’t need to wait until the second round, if the Caps even make it, or next year’s playoffs, if the Caps even make it. We can do it next week. C’mon. Eff it. Let’s do it. I don’t care.
Who’s with me?
