The world is on pause, and so we find ourselves with time at last to ponder the big questions. By overwhelming popular demand, here comes Not Up For Debate, our most popular series ever.

In this episode: The Caps as an upstairs/downstairs costume drama with a body count bigger than Game of Thrones.

Nicklas Backstrom, Lady Mary

Not always perfectly lovable.

Travis Boyd, Matthew

RIP

John Carlson, Andrew

This is a character from the show Downton Abbey.

Brenden Dillon, Mrs. Patmore

Don’t sleep on Mrs. Patmore. She will MESS YOU UP.

Nic Dowd, Bertie

At first I confused Bertie with Gillingham, and I was thinking they both have kinda cool hair, but Bertie’s hair is definitely definitely not cool. Still, I’m not changing my pick because it’s perfect because I made it. So now the reason is that Bertie seems like a schlub for like 90 percent of his screen time and then at the end you find out he’s actually total stud, and that’s a very Dowd vibe. So, yeah, perfect pick. Dowd is viscount. Bertie forever.

Lars Eller, Robert

Very powerful but maybe not always putting that power to proper use. Doesn’t necessarily get the joke.

Radko Gudas, Mrs. Patmore

Crap, I used this one already. Oh well, Gudas is Patmore too. It’s settled.

Carl Hagelin, Jimmy

That twinkle in his eye kinda skeeves me out. Handsome people scare me. I’ve established this before.

Garnet Hathaway, Ethel

We’ve all made mistakes. I’m not saying Ethel have a child is a mistake. Before that whole storyline, she was kind of a brat, but D.A. challenges us to have complex feelings and empathy even for, oh, let’s say, spitters.

Braden Holtby, Lady Sybil

The purest. Gone too soon.

Nick Jensen, Tom Branson

Criminally underappreciated. He’s a good guy. He gets a bad rap. Probably a tankie.

Michal Kempny, Daisy

Poor Daisy.

Ilya Kovalchuk, Mr. Bates

He served in prior battles. As batman. Served time (like with the Florida Panthers). Knows how to do crimes (e.g. CBA circumvention).

Evgeny Kuznetsov, Barrow

Too smart, too mischievous.

Brendan Leipsic, Pamuk

RIP. Seriously, this show has more bodies on it than Wee-Bey.

Dmitry Orlov, Mr. Carson

I forget why.

T.J. Oshie, Mrs. Hughes

We all agree that Oshie is the matriarch of the team, right? Those are motherly butt slashes.

Alex Ovechkin, Lady Rose

The funnest.

Richard Panik, Gillingham

No one likes him. I like him though. But he’s just not marriage material.

Ilya Samsonov, Molesley

Bound for bigger and better things.

Jonas Siegenthaler, Gwen

The future.

Jakub Vrana, Henry Talbot

The new hotness. The horniest boy.

Tom Wilson, Either O’Brien or Dowager/Violet

Flip a coin. He’s both. Depends on the weather.

Though the series is called Not Up For Debate, I’m leaving the comments open. So you can compliment me. For the very good picks. Appreciate the congrats.