“Dark, cold, Internet is a little questionable.”That’s how Sharks defenseman Justin Braun describes the desolate, park-less wasteland of Winnipeg, a hellscape that naive minds might think could only exist in grim-dark fiction like A Song of Ice and Fire or Downton Abbey but is actually a real place located in a remote region the locals call Man-i-toba.
Long ago, a sweet Quebecois boy named Matty left his homes in pre-Trump DC and Disneyfied Anaheim to seek his fortune in Winnipeg.
Below is what sweet Mathieu Perreault looked like before he left DC:
And this is what he looks like now:
When Google Images’ algorithm saw Perreault’s new headshot, it reported me to the police.
Once a friend to bulldogs and other woodland creatures, Perreault now has more in common with thrash-metal rockers like Ed Vedder and the lab-grown sexual supernova that is Jason Momoa.
Friends, I hope you never meet this grizzled shell of a man. I hope your car never breaks down on Notre Dame Avenue at 11 at night, the sky pitch black like that episode of Downton Abbey where Cousin Matthew dies, the cold cutting through you like how it felt inside you when Cousin Matthew on Downton Abbey dies.
You’re alone, scared, cold, and then you hear something coming up behind you. It’s the 5’10” behemoth himself, Mathieu Perreault (17 goals and 22 assists in 70 games last season). In his eyes you see naught but pain – this guy has been through some shit. When his gaze meets yours, it has the look of determination — the kind you only get from a player whose career takeaways fully double up his giveaways (545 to 244).
Last year’s Perry
He lumbers towards you; his 188-pound frame sending tremors through the snowy ground. How terrified you are. You can hardly move. You think of your family, your friends, your dog. Mathieu Perreault (two career hat tricks) spits into the dirt and digs the heel of his boot into the oily globule. He lifts his chin and rasps out these words:
“Howdy, eh? Too cold out here not to be wearing a toque. Yer gonna catch yer death, don’cha know. Need a lift to the Tim Hortons?”
Because the ‘Peg can never break Matty. He’s a good boy forever. Thank you for reading.
Thanks to @OVECHKlN for sharing
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
All original content on russianmachineneverbreaks.com is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-NC-SA 3.0)– unless otherwise stated or superseded by another license. You are free to share, copy, and remix this content so long as it is attributed, done for noncommercial purposes, and done so under a license similar to this one.