Late this past week, Sports Illustrated published an article written by Pittsburgh Penguins captain Sidney Crosby. Crosby opens up about his early season struggles last year, “just playing”, team identity, offseason workouts, and not resting on his laurels.

If this were any other human, it would be a fascinating read. Instead, it’s Sidney Crosby and it’s so boring that I zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

We open up to Sidney hearing voices in his head, which concerns me.

When you’re in your late 20s with 10 NHL seasons on your legs, and suddenly you’re not scoring and your team isn’t winning, the little voice inside your head can tell you things you don’t want to hear. That was the voice that started talking to me in December.

Take this next chunk of banal platitudes and attribute them to literally every single athlete ever.

Truthfully, I have never been one to seek out what is being written and said in the media — good or bad. I’m pretty motivated as it is without needing extra fuel for the fire. The most diehard fan or angry columnist doesn’t expect more out of me than I do of myself. No matter how much pressure anyone else heaps upon me, I still put more pressure on myself.

Sidney also talks about “just playing” and using his instincts to get out of a rut. My instincts tell me to order a pizza and pop on some Netflix. Maybe this guy is onto something.

Just playing. That’s what ultimately helped me break out of the funk I was in. Going out onto the ice and playing instinctively.

[adinserter name=”nation-ad”]

Next, Crosby explains the secret to hockey.

It’s simple math, really: The more scoring opportunities you create, the more of them will find the back of the net. Eventually.

Sid is now emotional.

I won’t rest on my laurels. I just can’t. Winning is special. If last season taught me anything, it was how thin the line is between being “washed up” and lifting the Stanley Cup. I don’t want to struggle like that again. That October to December stretch was awful; the lowest point of my career outside of injury. I’ll put in any amount of work I have to so I don’t have to go through that again.

Grits teeth. Well Sidney, try 40 years.

Naturally, winning the Stanley Cup is the hardest thing to do in this sport. The six years of postseason disappointment between 2009 and last season were a good example of that taught me that.

This is huge if true.

I don’t want the first half of last season to happen ever again. I want the second part. I want to keep the Cup.

In summary, Sid is basically a real-life Elliot Richard from the movie Bedazzled.

I enjoy these Players Tribune type articles where professional athletes “write” pieces like this as a way for fans to get more of a glimpse into what they’re thinking and what they’re opinions are. I also respect the athlete Sidney Crosby, as he is a sure-fire Hall of Famer.

But lawd have mercy this man is a walking cliche.