We got some devastating news from The Washington Post’s Alex Prewitt on Tuesday: Jay Beagle‘s long-time companion Flipper has gone to a better place. By better place, I’m thinking a dumpster or a Verizon Store recycle bin.

BREAKING: Jay Beagle got a smartphone. cc: @dcsportsbog

— Alex Prewitt (@alex_prewitt) October 7, 2014

Flipper is survived by my T-Mobile RAZR and Ted Leonsis’s LG Revere flip phone.

This news has shaken me to the core. I haven’t eaten. I couldn’t sleep. I’ve just been sobbing for hours on end.

Who is Jay Beagle without a flip phone? It’s like Adam Vingan without the puns. I don’t recognize it.

To console you, dear RMNB reader, as well as myself, let’s remember the better times– the times when Jay Beagle was still really, really technology-challenged.

First, please put on this music. It really sets the mood appropriately.

RMNB’s Chris Gordon on Flipper:

“Flipper,” and it’s a she, has been with him for six years. Beags is protective of it, threating to break the phones of any teammates who hatch nefarious ideas to steal his beloved device. Perhaps even throw them off a balcony.

Beagle to Chris Gordon during our CRL segment:

You wanna see it? Flipper? Okay. She’s a little shy, but I’ll bring her out.

Flipper in action:

Beagle on his preferred communication style to Sarah Kogod:

“I would much rather sit here and have a conversation with you in person than be playing with my phone. I hate when people are sitting with other people and one person is clearly paying more attention to the phone than their conversation.”

Beagle to Mike Vogel on how supportive his teammates are:

“I always get chirped pretty hard by all the guys. But [the phone] still works. I always tell them, I will always give it to them when we’re out to dinner and everybody’s on their phone. I’m like, ‘Hey guys, I’m right here. You don’t have to text me; I’m right across the table.’”

Beagle on the environment smart phones create to Sarah Kogod:

“It’s amazing how dependent people are on their phones. It’s an addiction,” Beagle said. “That’s just not me.”

Here’s Beagle using an iPad as a phone because you just need to see this:

Beagle to Vogel on his guiding philosophy:

“I’m not a big internet guy.”

When we had Beagle meet with a Verizon guy on CRL to get a new smart phone:

“I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t think the world’s ready for me to have one of these.”

🙁