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When Bets Involving Spandex Go Wrong: Everything You Need to Know About the Ian Oland Apology Tour

By Peter Hassett

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March 28, 2014 10:04 am

RMNBParty6-3

Photo: Chris Gordon

Editor’s note: Hockey Prospectus projected Troy Brouwer to score 21 or 22 goals this season. Ian did not consult the book before betting the Brouwer Rangers that he would not even hit twenty. The stakes if he lost: Ian would have to dress up with the B.R. and attend a game in full regalia. Brouwer scored twice on March 16th, and Ian has been dreading this coming Saturday ever since. To get you wayyyyyy more ready than you need to be for the big day, we turn things over to the Brouwer Rangers.

As you should know by now, Ian is set to join the ranks of the Brouwer Rangers. On Saturday, March 29, 2014, during a #mustwin hockey game between your Washington Capitals and those bastardly bastards of Beantown, Ian will don spandex, fanny pack, and helmet as retribution for a momentary but utter lack of judgment. It will be glorious.

In the meantime, let’s recap how Ian arrived in this tight spot (spandex joke!).

It began innocently enough on the night of November 22, 2013, during a Caps/Canadiens game. Troy Brouwer had just finished punching P.K. Subban in the face, and Ian made a snide comment referencing Brouwer’s contributions: 5 goals and 1 assist through 23 games (though he’d go on to get another assist later that night):

Naturally, we defended our boy Troy in a mature, rational manner:

In a fit of blind rage and pure hatred, Ian responded without thinking:

Lesson: Do not take betting advice from Ian.

All there was to do was wait and hope. And tell Brouwer about it, which we did on March 12 at the Caps Casino Night event. At the time, he had 18 goals. He pledged that knowing Ian would have to wear spandex if he reached 20 would inspire to shoot more. Ian brought it up again on March 15 in a locker-room interview with Brouwer, probably in a last-ditch effort to jinx Brouwer.

This last-ditch effort failed miserably! The very next day, it happened. With the clock ticking down and the Caps leading the Maple Leafs 3-2, Brouwer cleared the puck out of the defensive zone with a bank shot off the boards from the top of the right circle. It had steam, and the line to the Leafs’ empty net looked good. Chaperoned by a selfless Nick Backstrom, Brouwer’s unlikely shot found the net for his 20th goal of the year!

Ian immediately regretted the decision he’d made four months earlier:

We tweeted in kind:

And lots of other people joined in:

https://twitter.com/BaltimoreDaveS/status/445314012591689728

Thankfully, RMNB’s most journalisty journalist extraordinaire (Chris Gordon, duh) asked the post-game question everyone wanted the answer to:

https://twitter.com/Chris_Gordon/status/445317879203115009

We got to work hooking Ian up with everything he’d need: full-body spandex suit, fanny pack and helmet:

Ian got to work exercising:

And reality soon sunk in:

While Ian frantically exercised, we furiously refreshed package tracking:

Thanks to Amazon Prime (free plug!), the suit and helmet arrived soon thereafter:

And we got right to work painting the helmet:

So it would be ready in time to unveil at #RMNBParty6:

Where Ian pretended to be really bummed about it but secretly he was super stoked:

We know he was super stoked because he told us privately. And we quote from a conversation this week:

“I tried [the full-body spandex suit] on last night at midnight. And [my fiancé] Ashley couldn’t stop laughing…. I’m excited. Honestly, the thing was more comfortable than I thought. And you just naturally start making ninja moves in it.”

At one point he even called it “flattering” to his figure. We all tell ourselves that. Please note that it is a lie designed to convince oneself he won’t look ridiculous, which he will.

Ian would also need a ticket to the game. Due to scheduling conflicts, we had to move Ian’s big reveal from the last home game of the season, and Ian picked a tough substitute: Saturday afternoon against the Bruins. But our section-buddy Khan came to the rescue, offering up the seat next to him (and directly in front of us) in 402 J.

There is one last piece to the Ian Oland Apology Tour puzzle: Ian’s sign. We’re working on it now, and will reveal it on Twitter right before the game starts (as is tradition) on Saturday afternoon.

We’ll document the day thoroughly, but will rely on you all for help. If you’ll be at the game, please find us and get a picture. Tweet it to us with the hashtag #IanOlandApologyTour. It will probably be your only chance to get a picture with three Brouwer Rangers at once, so make it count. Bonus points if you figure out a way to Brouwer Bomb the photo.

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