Photo credit: Karl B DeBlaker
Over one thousand posts and we’ve never seen the Caps this bad. After watching them get wiped out by the singular wretchedness that is the Carolina Hurricanes, we realized that any unit of hockey players anywhere in the world could have beaten our boys in this one. The entire intramural team at Colgate could get brainerd diarrhea and still mollywhop Alex and company. The 1974 Caps coulda shut ’em down. Probably the ’73 team, too. So we had to wonder…
What fictional hockey teams could have beaten the Caps tonight?
Despite the raw talent of Charlie Conway, the preternatural hotness of Connie “The Velvet Hammer” Moreau, Guy Germaine‘s poise, and Greg Goldberg’s presence in the cage, the District 5 team lacked both an identity and a single win on their season. But with the space Schultz and Green would most likely afford him, even Spazway would swing enough to give the Caps more than a cold. District 5 beats Caps 1-0.
A three-year old chimpanzee named Jack joined his foster family’s junior league hockey team and hijinx ensued. They were a ragtag bunch, but Jack’s inhuman talent (no seriously, he’s not human) with the twig gave them the boost they needed to beat their people-y opponents. But how did they fare against the ’10-’11 Capitals? Well, Jack has twice the upper-body strength of Jason Chimera (and 3x Mathieu Perreault), so battles along the boards were no contest, and the feces-throwing thing was a huge advantage while a man-down. Jack beats Caps 4-2.
Warning: strong language. Double warning: Penguins jersey
Lifelong friends Dante Hicks and Randal Graves are eternal losers and omega-level slackers, but they’ve got some decent game when it comes to shinny. Hosting the Capitals on the roof of the Quick Stop, the New Jersey pick-up team were underdogs according to most sports books. But a gametime decision gave a sweater to expected scratch Dante Hicks, who would repeatedly reminded Pierre McGuire that he wasn’t even supposed to be there today. The Clerks would go on to score “somewhere around 36” goals on a beleaguered Braden Holtby, although some inventive stat-keeping would ameliorate the final score: Clerks beat Caps 3-2.
Wayne and Garth had Aurora, Illinois’ best home record so long as intermittent traffic didn’t halt play. Although their roster was drastically depleted due to an outbreak of hurling following a bad pre-game meal at Stan Mikita’s, Wayne and Garth still mounted an impressive attack on the Capitals– keeping Alex Ovechkin pointless and baffling Alex Semin with some clever asphinctersayswhat? chirps. Nonetheless, the Caps actually came out on top in this one after Garth left the game, later telling Al Koken he was “feeling a little funny, like when I used to climb the rope in gym class.” Caps beat Wayne’s World 6-5. Party time. Excellent
Thanks to my buddy Andrew Ahrens, from whom– let’s be honest– I stole most of these jokes.
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
All original content on russianmachineneverbreaks.com is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-NC-SA 3.0)– unless otherwise stated or superseded by another license. You are free to share, copy, and remix this content so long as it is attributed, done for noncommercial purposes, and done so under a license similar to this one.