The Pre-Game: Interesting fact: did you know that the North American Otter (Enhydra lutris) has to eat roughly 25% of its body weight in food every day just to survive? True! Like, how many Dippin’ Dots would that be? AND that in the ancient Zoroastrian religion, that otters were considered holy beings?! So Wow, I mean like…
Oh. Oh, it’s the Ottawa Senators. Oh lolz! If you could see my face blushing.
Actually, we have enough blush, and not in an endearing way, left over from Thursday night. Although we cautioned, and predicted moments, we didn’t – and simply never ever will – go on the record predicting a Pens victory over the Caps, despite our well-shared worries. Sure, it wasn’t a blow-out. Yeah, Erskine earned himself a pelt off one of the birds, in just payment for Beags (IMHO.) And yes, even hobbled offensively as we are (and whyis that, exactly?) and with all the turmoil and blah blah go freaking tell your shrink because I don’t give a damn we kept them to one point. Whoot! A loss by only one point!
Which says a lot about where we’re at. Too much. Too, too much, if you ask us, girlfriends.
So you leave us no choice. We didn’t want it to come to this. But frankly, Washington, you’ve given us little recourse.
The PuckBuddys are pulling the Tim Gunn Emergency Alarm, and setting the Caps rescue in motion. This Saturday, it’s ALL GAYS ON DECK!
Whoop! All menz on hand! Whoop whoop! And all womenz! Oh Snapz, it’s Rainin’ Menz N’ Wymnz! Yes, Washington, this is what you have forced us to. Teh gays are swooping in to bolster and lift up our sagging Caps, simply because nobody else seems able to help.
#Self-Promotion Alert! The PuckBuddys, makers of mischief, brittle observations, and vituperative comments this Saturday are throwing a party at Verizon Center and you’re all invited! All Caps fans & friends are welcome, but particularly the GLBT…or is that LGBT…or is it LTBTgG?…ugh, whatever, the rainbow of all of us and their friends are encouraged to come to Verizon and show off their Red! And Purple, and Pink, and Lord knows what else. Just show up in a splash of pink or purple, and get ready to get rowdy with the party boys up in 411.
Leaving us no better cue for…
Mary, have you seen that team? Ottawa is where blah goes to die. Or at least live out its retirement on the Rideau canal. But if we must…
1: “Slutty, slutty, slutty!” Oh LordaMighty, before we were even really playing, or before we stopped really playing, we met up with the Sens in early October. We largely stick by our earlier comments then. In sum: Sens = pheh. Frankly we’ve seen less gay teams in “300,” and by gay we mean G-A-Y, jerks. They’ve got some skillerz, among them (as we mentioned) Sergei Gonchar (a Backstrom-like 2G-15A, plus-3), Milan Michalek (15G-6A, minus-2) and Alfredo-son, or whatever (with a little white sauce at 5G-6A, minus-4.) Then there’s Jason Spezza (9G-14A, minus-5), a real mixed bag, but what a bag! Not like the other guys are all that mixed, if you get my drift.
Yeah, pretty much everything today is going to be a gay joke. So boo-hoo, strap in and get going, crybabies. And don’t act like you don’t enjoy it.
2: “I’m Concerned.” At 12-11-2 overall, and 6-7-1 on the road, the Sens are, like we said, pheh. There are a couple pockets of talent on this team, good for you, but we’re concerned by how many goals they give up on average, 3.4 per game. For anyone not conversant in hockey, that’s a lot. We actually think Paul MacLean can bring this team together, a la the Detroit Lions of late. But it ain’t happnin Saturday. Or, at least, let’s not let it start.
3: “Pretty Can Be Boring.” Going out on the limb that all the H8Trs will sawz-all off here. The Senators aren’t incompetent. The coaching squad actually gets it. But, for some reason, the Senators this season, and most of the past ones, continue to play “good square” hockey. Meaning: unimaginative. Technically accomplished, but failing. Which reminds us both of boyfriends past – pretty enough, but just not quite there. A team needs a spark to ignite (can you hear us now, Alex?) just like a relationship of any lasting value needs sparks to ignite the fire.
The Senators just don’t have it. The Caps need to rediscover it.
We depart from our usual disparagement of the opponents to focus on what can make the Capitals winners. And thus we give you:
1: “Don’t Get Too Judi Jetson.” How many times do we need to watch the plum fruits of the NHL, juicily playing for the Capitals, get cute, arcane, dry and dead in the opponent’s zone? Pass, pass, pass, pass CRIMINY just SHOOT THE PUCK you want to scream. Or, perhaps like us, you have. Capitals: we get you don’t want to waste opportunities. (heart) you for that. But can you stop getting too cute by two halves? Nobody would wear Judi Jetson’s couture these days (save for the late Alexander McQueen) and we really don’t need to see such elegant play set-up without results now. Stop being cute and start shooting. Srsly, you really need games to look a little less like practice. Or, perhaps, you need practices to look a little more like games.
2: “Go, Go, Go!” Get off your flippin’ feet and go. Period. Done. End. STOP. Really tired of saying it. I’m not paid to move like lightening on the ice, and if I were, I wouldn’t be for long. You are. We get it. We love you for your talent. Now please, please, just move the freakin’ skates and get going. I’m an old man, but it wasn’t but one year ago I was wasting 25 year olds in fitness competitions. Just do it. Grr. Arrgh. What else do I have to say? In the word of Tim Gunn: Go Go Go!
3: “Make It Work!” Two words. Jason Chimera. Seriously, do you actually see the goals he gets? How many of you are left scratching your heads, asking ‘Really? Did that actually work?’ We HEART Chimmer, and wish him moar and moar in the season. And we bring him up because he, and a few other Caps, actually seem to get this basic idea: just make it work. I don’t care if it’s a silk organza strapless (I should know what that is, but I’m embarrassed to say I don’t) number, or a dump-chase-crash choreography on the ice, each of you really just have to invest in it and MAKE IT WORK. Don’t make a slender gay man holler at you: please just pay attention to what you’re doing, perform, and make it work.
The OT and ShootOut: While we’ve taken to flight from the RMNB net, the PuckBuddys on our own are one year after hatching. It began as a goof, and has become something so many people value. Which means we have almost everybody to thank. We’ve made so many friends, among them our overlords at RMNB who, for some unknown reason, tolerate us. We’re thankful to the entire Caps Commisariat, the Caps organization, and Uncle Ted for making us welcome.
Just imagine how much we’re going to piss you off in our next year!
We love you all. Come Saturday. Come say hi. Come give us a punch in the arm. We’re open and ready for a new year.
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
All original content on russianmachineneverbreaks.com is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-NC-SA 3.0)– unless otherwise stated or superseded by another license. You are free to share, copy, and remix this content so long as it is attributed, done for noncommercial purposes, and done so under a license similar to this one.