The internet has been hit with a new craze and like many internet fads of the past, it’s very stupid.
Basically, using a face match service created by the fine people at Google Arts and Culture, you can compare your likeness with a work of art. For instance, my bio picture returned a portrait of Brad Pitt because all these nights blogging in the basement has done wonders for my personal appearance.
Then I wondered, who do the Caps match up with?
Nicklas Backstrom
According to Wikipedia, the Dutch army captain Willem van Oldenbarnevelt formulated an unsuccessful assassination plot against Maurice of Orange, who has been responsible for the death of Willem’s father. Willem fled to Brussels.
Jay Beagle
Barry Trotz thinks Jay Beagle is a Rembrandt on the ice; Google thinks he’s a Rembrandt in real life, comparing Beagle to the Dutch master’s Self-Portrait in a Cap, Open Mouthed.
Madison Bowey
Madison Bowey is obviously the Mohammed Ali of the Caps’ third pairing, so it’s fitting that he’d be compared to Chen Zhou’s Muhammad Ali, Superman, and the Secret of the Banana, which Google says “emits a visual sparsity and coldness which resonate with his interest in the theme of the violent relations between systems and their constituent bodies.” Uh, sure?
Andre Burakovsky
Fun fact: Young Dre was one of three Capitals (TJ Oshie and Christian Djoos) who matched with this portrait of Elvis.
John Carlson
American Olympian John Carlson got matched with a piece of Russian artwork.
Alex Chiasson
Marty Feldman is that you?
Taylor Chorney
Taylor Chorney was matched with a depressed-looking human called The Mathematician. This makes sense because this is the same look I get when I compute Taylor’s shot-attempts percentage.
Brett Connolly
Brett Connolly: Portrait of a Sportsman. Enough said, really.
Christian Djoos
This is what you’d get if you asked the person who “restored” that famous Ecce Homo painting to restore Djoos’ head shot.
Lars Eller
Google pegged this Eller match at only 49%, but let’s be honest it’s more like 99%.
Philipp Grubauer
The hair part might be the only similarity here.
Braden Holtby
Svetoslav Roerich actually used Braden Holtby as the model for this painting but then called it a self-portrait because he wishes he were this handsome.
Evgeny Kuznetsov
Fancy over-passer Evgeny Kuznetsov was matched with this fine gentleman, Pieter Boudaen Courten, who’s actually his spirit animal. I’d pay good money to see Kuzy grow that facial hair and wear that poofy collar on the ice.
Matt Niskanen
Sir Adrian Boult was an English conductor who looked a lot more like Lenin than Matt Niskanen.
Dmitry Orlov
At first, this is a bad face match for obvious reasons. And then after a few seconds, yup, I totally see it.
Brooks Orpik
Giuseppe Napoleone Bonaparte was the Bonaparte’s older brother, which seem so perfectly fitting for Brooks Orpik, doesn’t it?
TJ Oshie
TJ Oshie was one of the guys who matched to the portrait of Elvis, but let’s all be honest and say that if Oshie wore a powdered wig this would be an exact match.
Alex Ovechkin
Alex Ovechkin. Christ. Moving on.
Devante Smith-Pelly
DSP matched to sassy LA wall art of Kanye West.
Chandler Stephenson
If we dropped Chandler Stephenson off on a deserted island, this is exactly how’d he look after a month of no human contact.
Jakub Vrana
Another extremely underrated match. Way higher than 52%.
Nathan Walker
Walker matched with the painting By The Table, which is perfect, because I’m just waiting in the minors for another opportunity in the big leagues, Coach.
Tom Wilson
Tom Wilson matched up with three portraits of women, and this one of Paul Gauguin’s Three Tahitians most looked like she’d beat you up if you took a run at her dad Nicklas Backstrom.
Bonus round: Caps coaches and commentators!
Barry Trotz
Nothing but respect for my president.
Todd Reirden
This was Reirden’s hair before it was in full retreat from his head.
Lane Lambert
Yep, I see it.
Blaine Forsythe
Hollywood would definitely cast Blaine Forsyth as the lead in the whitewashed Choi Ik-hyeon biopic.
Joe Beninati
Oh, no, Joe. B.
Craig Laughlin
“Cornelis Outshoorn” sounds like something Locker would make up and try to pass of as a Canadian pond hockey term.
Alan May
Since NBCSW won’t let him wear neckties on air anymore, maybe Alan can try one of these collars.
John Walton
Good morning, good afternoon, and good night English Reformation.
Wes Johnson
The Saint Wes also has tears after every second round exit.
Ted Leonsis
If Ted Leonsis wanted to have a future career as a Civil War reenactor, now we know all he needs to do is shave off the bottom half of his goatee and grow out his mustache into his sideburns. Wallah!
Yeah, this thing is eerily good.
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