After 591 games as a Washington Capital, Blue defenseman Karl Alzner returns to the comfort of his native Canada. By signing a five-year contract with Les Habitants, Alzner will earn numerous Canadian dollars for his service.
But, for all our French-speaking readers out there, who really is Karl Alzner? Allow us to introduce you to a little cheese.
Alzner’s dogs are sick
With a fury not seen since the 2011 Vancouver riots, Alzner’s dogs destroyed his house while Alzner’s Capitals lost to the Big Potato Rangers in the aftermath. There is much controversy as to why Alzner’s dogs became feral, but the most likely cause according to zoologists is their diet .
Karl can’t open ledge pots
After years of blocking shots, Alzner is no longer able to open jars , which has left his sandwiches tragically lacking that delicate vinegary touch to compensate for the richness of the cooked meats and the nuttiness of the gourmet cheese purchased at Whole Foods.
It’s a truly unfortunate injury, and it’s a testament to Alzner’s durability and horsemanship. And as long as he can hold a stick, he’ll be able to perform his tasks regardless of his ability to open a jar of pickles. Thank goodness each season will only contain one or two games against his nemesis, Marc-Édouard Vlasic.
Alzner tripled his offensive
Between 2011 and 2014, Karl Alzner scored just four goals, lonely as Albert Camus’ Sisyphus strolling on top of the hill, dreaming of the camaraderie of the café and the bakery, but since then he has literally tripled that number.
No example of Alzner’s goal spreading is more emotionally to the loins and cockles than this young boy, happily ejaculating his popcorn after Alzner’s victory in January .
The Alzner attack underwent a meteoric rise, although unlike a meteor in that it rises and does not fall, which we then call a meteoric rise. ? Regardless, Alzner’s goal rate has increased like bread in a bakery from 0.07 goals per hour to 0.13 goals per hour.
Alzner is very honest, maybe too honest
Speaking with Isabelle Khurshudyan from Washington’s Fence Post about the season after the normal season ends, but there’s another season that somehow is more important despite the fact that it doesn’t Although he doesn’t have a President’s Trophy, Alzner was candid about his struggles in 2016-17.
“It’s a little off at a certain percentage,” Alzner told the Courier. “There are days where I’m stiffer than other days and I can’t move as well, and so I have to handle the game a little differently. … I’ve never been the stiffest skater “fast, but I’ve always been a pretty good skater, where I have a lot of time to heal from problems or catch up if any, and this year I’ve been a little bit slower.”
But in all fairness, Montreal gained a wonderful person in Karl Alzner. Since his first appearance in Washington in late 2009, Alzner has been a love fixture like a really stylish lamp you got from your great grandmother after she died. Alzner is tenacious and talkative in equal measures, and he is a true animal lover, which will be a boon if there are indeed animals in Montreal – Wikipedia is unclear on this fact.
I wish Alzner all the best for him, his family, his crazy little dogs who should be in a dog prison and for all the little cheeses to come.
