Editor’s Note: Welcome to Part II of Friend of RMNB and certified dancing queen Ben Scarbro’s investigation into what the Brouwer Rangers will do now that Troy Brouwer is no longer a Washington Capital.
Yesterday, I proved to you a bunch of things you can’t argue with because I wrote this article a week ago and it’s too late to change my mind. And you don’t need to pay a translator to see that I’m right (and yes that’s a non sequitur and a call back to like 2012).
By that, I mean that I narrowed down the list of players the Brouwer Rangers may select as their next target object of praise to a manageable six. To recap: We eliminated defensemen and goalies (because the Brouwer Rangers seem to prefer goal-scoaring ability) plus any forwards who either won’t get enough playing time or who represent to significant a commitment in terms of contract length and size. That left us with Jay Beagle, Brooks Laich, Justin Williams, Evegeny Kuznetsov, T. J. Oshie, and Andre Burakovsky.
Today, we’ll take a closer look at each candidate, the possible themes Ryan and Nathan could pursue, and the patented Ben Scarbro Probability Rating™ of the likelihood for each selection. But before we dive in, let’s compare Brouwer and Knuble one last time to see what they have in common.
(I took the screen-cap before Brouwer turned 30 yesterday.)
Both are big-bodied, Canadian, right-wingers that were drafted by teams in the Midwest. They also both have summer birthdays, but Knuble is a Cancer while Brouwer is a Leo, and we all know what that means! Let’s take a look at the Caps’ current roster possibilities:
Jay Beagle
An undrafted Canadian centre who shoots right. Jay Beagle may not get the minutes or the goals (or the puck) as much as some would like, but he’s got spirit! But we should be real here. I highly doubt the boys will pick Beags, but just in case, here are some ideas:
Possible Themes: The Dawgs, Beagle’s Beagles, Bagels, or The Regal Beagles.
Artist’s Rendering:
B.S. Probability Rating: Too-Much-for-Too-Long% (That’s a contract joke)
Brooks Laich
A Canadian centre who shoots left and is dating Julianne Hough. While Brooks gets plenty of playing time, he’s also seen his fair share of the injured list. If the boys wanted to pick him, they could have done so in 2009 or 2012, but they didn’t. Interesting. He’s not the iron man he once was, but I mean who is? I used to be able to stay up all night eating chalupas and drinking the dew of mountains. Now I just cry. A lot. But enough about me. Here’s Brooksy.
Possible Themes – Woody and Buzz LaichYear, River Elves, or Hough’s Heroes
Artist’s rendering:
B.S. Probability Rating = [Puts on sunglasses] Un … Laichly, YEAHHHHH%
Justin Williams
A 6’1” Canadian right-winger about whom I have zero jokes. Drafted by Philadelphia and … a fall baby? He’s an “older” right wing who is probably going to play a lot and score goals. That sounds an awful lot like two other dudes. The problem lies in whether he has the sense of humor to carry two dudes in spandex around? Not literally, of course, but now that I have that mental image in my head … why not?
Possible Themes – The Colonial Williamsburgers, Game Seven Gnomes, Will.I.Ams
Artist’s Rendering:
B.S. Probability Rating: 14%
Evgeny Kuznetsov
Russian center/right-winger who is on a short contract, but will inevitably sign a longer one. With someone, somewhere. This dude is fun. His nickname is Harry Potter and he’s got stick skills that are other worldly. But would the boys break their trend of backing Canadians to support an enigmatic a Russian?
Possible Themes: Gryffindor, Traktor Trailer Trash, Geny Pigs
Artist’s Rendering:
B.S. Probability Rating: (What’s Russian for “ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ”)%
T.J. Oshie
AMERICA!!! USA! USA! USA! He’s an American right wing beautiful baby boy. According to Wikipedia, the T and J do not stand for Thomas Jefferson like we all thought. No, it’s actually Timothy Leif. You learn something new every day.
Possible Themes: The Oshie Yoshis, The Oshie-ographers, The Americans, The United Supporters of Oshie
Artist’s Rendering:
B.S. Probability Rating: USA%
Andre Burakovsky
An Austrian-born Swedish left-wing Corsi kid. Andre would be a fun choice. The kid is young, energetic, going to scoar moar goals, and play more this year, I guarantee it. But what happens if in two years’ time he signs a long-ass contract with the Caps? Will the boys be in it for the long haul?
Possible Themes: Andre’s Giants, The Burracudas, Burt’s Bandits
Artist’s Rendering:
B.S. Probability Rating: Swedish Fish%
Wild Card #1: Marcus Johansson
Survivor of arbitration and loser of the “Best Center That’s Not a Center” competition, Johansson is a Swedish left-winger who sometimes plays with Ovechkin, sometimes plays below him, and sometimes tries to play center. He can carry the puck though. And Pat Holden likes him. A lot.
Possible Themes: The Mojo Clowns, Johan & Sons, Legitimate Top Six Player Fans … We Swear
Artist’s Rendering:
B.S. Probability Rating: No Matter What I Say Facebook Is Going To Get Upset%
Bonus #2: Tom Wilson and Michael Latta
Two good Canadian boys – a right-winger and center, respectively – who bring a lot of grit and punchiness to the game. Individually, both Wilson and Latta were excluded from the list due to low expected playing time. But as we saw on Epix Presents: Road to the NHL Winter Classic last season, together they are an unstoppable force for good in the world. Maybe, just maybe, they’ll also combine to prove an irresistible draw for Ryan and Nathan.
Possible Themes: The Ketchup Twins, The Balls of Fury, The Odd Couple.
Artist’s Rendering:
B.S. Probability Rating: 5 for Fighting%
So there you have it. 6+2 options of players with some quality analysis and A+ photoshops. What more could you ask for? What happens if Nathan and Ryan pick a Goalie or Defenseman? Well, shut up.
Feel free to speculate in the comments below with the player you think the boys will choose, and what their outfits will look like! Below are Nathan and Ryan’s photoshoppable heads! This can’t go poorly!
But let’s be honest, they’re going to be Hough’s Homeboys.
