“Shoggoth” by Craig J. Spearing
It’s f@$&ing freezing here and I didn’t eat dinner. My dog is being an @%^$*. A water main exploded up the street from me, so there’s a river of ice outside my door that has its frozen heart set on shredding my #brittlegroin. Everything sucks and so do you.
Here’s my recap of the Washington Capitals at the Columbus Blue Jackets. Read it at your peril.
The first-period Caps gave up a pair of shorthanded breakaways, the second of which resulted in a Columbus goal. Then Ryan Johansen escaped some decidedly dainty defense to make it 2-0. Brandon Dubinsky’s softy on Braden Holtby early in the second period made it 3-0, and Ryan Johansen got his second goal a little after that.
I drifted into rage blackouts and delirium, but I came to momentarily as Joel Ward got a shorty of his own halfway through the middle frame. Eric Fehr tricked one past Bobrovsky to make it 4-2 and somewhat interesting, but Cam Atkinson extinguished the rally with a quick-response goal.
Blue Jackets beat Caps 5-2.
Burn the tape, don’t read the recap, purge your mind of the irreconcilable horrors of Caps at Jackets. Thinking too loud on the incomprehensible, non-Euclidean wretchedness of this game just might turn you into a fish person. I’ve seen it happen.
So, not a good game.
Raise your hand if you like the way the Caps play. Chime in if you enjoy watching your team chase the puck, give up breakaways, and fight out of frustration. Holler at me if you think Adam Oates has a handle on this thing. Hit me up on my pager if you’re psyched by watching the Caps get outshot by more than 150 so far this season. Send me a Snapchat if Alex Ovechkin’s goals are enough to quench you. Scribe me an illuminated manuscript if you prefer the Caps goalies to deal with a half dozen odd-man rushes or more every night. Put up a smoke signal if you believe Connor Carrick and John Erskine are enough to get this team to the Cup.
The Capitals aren’t bad, but tonight they were atrocious. Puck possession, shooting and save percentages, special teams– pick one; they were all atrocious. But the thing that keeps irking me is this team’s proclivity for letting the other team get a run on them. The odd-man rushes are an infection– one that Adam Oates’ system seems to invite.
When I say the team’s puck possession is trending up (which it is, aside from this stinker of a game), my subtext is that it’s happening in spite of this team’s corpus of tactics and roster shortcomings. No one anywhere thinks this team as constructed will see any meaningful postseason success without an embarrassing abundance of dumb luck.
Fhtagn. Bad things fhtagn. Trade fhtagn. Upheaval fhtagn. Change, glorious change: fhtagn.
I’m growing impatient.
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
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