Jaromir Jagr Shaves Part of Playoff Beard, Dooms Bruins in Finals (Photos)

June 12, 2013 10:29 am

Looks that matter: Hetfield ’91

Wut. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel)

Jaromir Jagr is a lot of things: a future hall of famer, a late-night gym rat, and a mullet connoisseur. He’s also a two-time Stanley Cup champion, and at 41, he’s about to make what may be his final run for a cup.

It’s a great story, but Jagr now looks poised to repeat his disappointing performance in Washington– once again lacking the mental fortitude to persevere in the face of adversity. Yeah. Jagr totally quit on his playoff beard.

As Jagr spoke to media on Tuesday, he showed off his new facial hair. I will to describe it to you, so don’t be alarmed or upset. Small children may want to skip this article.

First, Jagr dyed his beard jet black because, as he put it, “you’ve got to look tough” in the finals. Gone are the salt-and-pepper whiskers of a grizzled veteran. In their place– the faux-colored beard of that guy in college who always turned off the stereo at parties so he could play the opening bars of “Nothing Else Matters.” Yeah, real intimidating, JJ.

Jagr also shaved off most of his chin hair, leaving a soul patch for no comprehensible reason except maybe he’s trying to start a Fastball tribute band. Jagr now looks like a cross between Wolverine, the Czech version of James Hetfield (see above), and Justin Timberlake in Motherlover.

Jagr obviously did not consult RMNB’s #beardpact manuscript, before grabbing his razor. Article X, corollary IV of sacred text clearly reads:

You may trim or clean-up parts of your beard scruff only during off days before the next round of play. If you cut off any part of your beard, you are not only a coward; you are condemning your team to actual hell in the next round.

(Also, do not publish photos of an oil painting where your favorite team’s players and management are accepting the Stanley Cup from tiny elf people. As if that would ever happen.)

Tsk tsk, 68. When trying to explain the Bruins’ Stanley Cup loss 14 days from now, analysts might drop stats and pundits will talk about mental toughness, but we’ll all know the truth. Deep down, we all know it’s your fault. This shaving bonanza is an affront to the hockey gods, and now you will be smote. Expect delay-of-game penalties, broken skate blades, improvisational dentistry, rung pipes, and enough shattered twigs to mulch your vegetable garden. At least this time, Caps fans will delight in your failure. That’ll be a welcome change.