Photo credit: Clydeorama

If we were reviewing Dennis Wideman‘s season before the All-Star Break, or even in March, this would be an entirely different story. We’d talk about his almost-hat-trick, his stellar offense, his first All-Star Game. We still talk about all of those things, but there is a lot more yelling — because unfortunately for Dennis Wideman, the playoffs happened.

Cap Hit: $3,937,500. Nice round number. Wideman is UFA on July 1st.

Milestones: Wideman was elected to the NHL All-Star Team for the first time in his career, which mostly went on to serve as a source of puzzlement and punchline later.

Best Moment: The almost-hat-trick. In a game in December, Wideman appeared to score three goals, but later insisted he had not and asked for one goal to be reviewed. It was indeed not his goal, but Brooks Laich’s. This display of honesty led me to photoshop my second creepiest image of the season.

Things We Said About Dennis Wideman: “Hey Dennis Wideman, what are you doing?” “Dennis, you may want to rethink that thing that you’re doing.” “DENNIS EARL WIDEMAN GET OFF THE ICE RIGHT NOW AND GO SIT IN A CORNER TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE.”

Alignment: Neutral Evil

First Irrelevant Google Images Result:

Media Consensus: “Dennis Wideman, what are you doing?”

Spirit Animal: Deer in headlights.

Team Role: Wideman was expected to be a puck-carrying player and to provide offense from the blueline, while being as little of a defensive liability as possible.

Execution of that Role: Everything went reasonably well except for the “not being a defensive liability” part. Wideman set new personal bests in goals and assists, and his 46 points were good for third on the team, providing a team-high 35 assists and  outscoring several forwards. Unfortunately he was a nightmare in his own zone, which might have been more acceptable if “defense” wasn’t right in his job title.

Postseason Performance: Dennis Wideman appears to be allergic to the playoffs.

Beard Rating:

Photo credit: Cheryl Nichols

Respectable, and slightly ginger. Seven out of ten.

Likeliness to Return: Please go away.

Usefulness in a Post-Apocalyptic Setting: You could probably count on him to be of superficial value until a critical moment when he would accidentally drop all of your supplies into the bottom of a lake. Two out of ten.

Other: Overall Year-End Rating: Six Bad Sashas.

For statistical analysis of Wideman’s season, see Japers’ Rink or Peerless Prognosticator.