Photo credit: Elena Rusko

So, we may have come on a bit strong.

We’re sorry if we made you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed, Evgeny Kuznetsov. If you just need some space, that’s fine, we understand. We thought you were just playing hard to get, but we’ve been wrong before.

Cap Hit: At least $2.5 M, plus KHL stipend — ten times the salary of another teammate his age .

Milestones: Most posted-about person not actually in this hemisphere, RMNB 2011-12.

Best Moment: Scoring five goals in six games in the second round of the KHL playoffs, including two game-winners and the series winner. Kuznetsov also won his first World Championships gold medal, silver in the World Juniors, was voted a starter in the KHL All-Star Game, and got to play in an outdoor game.

We can’t possibly imagine why he wouldn’t want to leave, it looks like he is having no fun at all. 

Most Embarassing Moment: Losing to a fan in a hardest shot contest. 

Things We Said About Evgeny Kuznetsov: “We have breaking but very minor news on Evgeny Kuznetsov’s decision!”

Alignment: Chaotic Evil

First Irrelevant Google Images Result:

Evgeny Kuznetsov the springboard diver!

Media Consensus: “Evgeny Kuznetsov will be a great NHL(?) player someday.”

Spirit Animal: Groundhog.

Alternate Universe Superhero Identity: Bait and Switch

Team Role: To be a maddeningly tempting blue-chip prospect just out of our reach.

Execution of that Role: Ten out of ten. Really well done. We are starting to develop the suspicion that Kuzya is actually a mirage.

Nine-Point Games: Only one. Very disappointing.

Likeliness to Ever Even Be On This Continent: Six out of ten. Plus one point if we add “someday, eventually” to the category.

Usefulness in a Post-Apocalyptic Setting: It depends if he’s gotten any time in the highly competitive environment in the NHL. This is crucial for apocalyptic survival, someone should let his agent know.

Other: Chances of the music industry stealing him away from us: zero.

Other: If you have any other questions about Kuznetsov’s year, you are in luck, because we have meticulously recorded every moment of it in seven pages of content. 

Overall Year-End Rating: Six Bad Sashas.