The weather is getting nice, and we at RMNB thought you might need some new t-shirts to wear. Well, that and the whole playoffs thing.
And since I didn’t have anything to do with the making of these shirts, I can tell you this without reservation: These shirts are totally freaking awesome. Let me show you them.
The shirt above is Holtbeast, an original work of art by RMNB’s resident artist, Rachel Cohen. It depicts Caps goalie Braden Holtby as we saw him in the quarterfinals: a ferocious manimal who rages on any unfortunate few who happen upon his cage.
When to wear this shirt: When a supposedly potent offense washes up on Holtby’s shore as ineffectually as waves upon the shore. When the enemy’s dangled puck is sent flying away by Braden, who has pounced out of his crease. And when a veteran goalie, one considered superior to our own by the hockey cognoscenti, retreats with his tail between his legs– off to lick his wounds on a golf course somewhere.
We are unsure of the etymology of “Alzner’s Amigos.” Apparently, it’s Karl Alzner‘s version of Knuble Knights, but with a lot more ice time. Ian cooked up this shirt, and he is so very very proud. Rightfully so.
When to wear this shirt: Next time the “most underrated player” debate gets sparked up. You just open up your vest or cardigan or members only jacket and go “Boom! This guy. Right here. Mic drop.” (You don’t have to say the “mic drop” part; that’s optional.)
There are stories and then there are legends. What Brooks Laich did on the Roosevelt Bridge after losing game seven is the latter. The Brooks Tire Repair shirt is the uniform of gentlemen and gentleladies across the DMV.
When to wear this shirt: In moments of chivalry and good citizenship. Helping an old woman across the street, throwing your jacket on top of a puddle so that your date doesn’t get wet (sidebar: has that ever really happened?), pulling out chairs, easy on the swears. You don’t have to do any of that stuff, but if you’re being polite and articulate and/or are a good two-way forward, this is the shirt for you.
My favorite. We’ve been saying SCOAR MOAR GOALS so much, we’ve even got the Captain saying it now. S.M.G. is the rallying cry for a team that really could be putting 6-7 goals up on the scoreboard every night. When was the last time anyone got free wings anyway?
When to wear this shirt: For starters, always. But specifically, this one looks good when the Caps are up two goals and they seemingly forget there’s a net at the other end of the ice. That doesn’t happen much anymore (the being up two goals thing), so how about you wear this next time we’re high-fiving at a Front Page viewing party?
There are two Ovechkins. One is a shy, well-meaning momma’s boy with the weight of the world on his shoulders. The other is a manic, goal-scoring, belly-patting superhero. The Great Eight t-shirt celebrates the latter.
When to wear this shirt: Under your work clothes. In the middle of a your mid-morning meeting, pretend your heard something from very far away. Stand up abruptly, make an awkward or vague excuse, and then rush out the door. Rip your shirt open and then… well you’ll have to figure it out from there. Disco?
Shirts designed by Ian Oland. “Holtbeast” illustraton by Rachel Cohen.
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
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