From the artist's private collection

The outpouring of creative energy from Capitals fans continues in a very special way.  To brighten up this already-sunny Friday afternoon, RMNB reader Sara Bae contributes these pen and ink illustrations done in the style of Napoleon Dynamite. Sara was kind enough to share these images of the Capitals’ Soviet bloc: Alex Ovechkin, Alex Semin, and Semyon Varlamov.

If you’ll please follow me, we shall begin our guided tour of the Russian Machine Never Breaks Portait Gallery and Nacho Eatery. Please refrain from feeding the bonobos freely wandering the hallways.

Here we see Capitals captain and the Russian Machine himself, Alexander Ovechkin.  Observe if you will his carefully tussled locks, sketched with loving detail by the artist.  The devilish glint in Alex’s eyes suggests a familiarity with the observer, perhaps an intimacy transgressing the professional distance of the artist’s gaze.   Alex’s eyebrows are not separated by any bare skin, an allusion to both the personal upkeep habits of Russian men and the “Captain Caveman” notoriety that follows this player.

Ms. Bae comments about her work, “it took me like three hours to get the shading right on Ovi’s upper lip. These are probably the best drawings I’ve ever done.”  Indeed, madam. Indeed.

Global sex symbol Alexander Semin is next on our gallery tour.  Notice the prominent proboscis on Sasha, a traditional indication of virility and sensuality.  The strong chiaroscuro shadowing on Semin’s right cheek imbues the subject with mystery: what is hiding from us?  Is he dangerous? The figure’s hair is longer in the back than it is in the front, employing an obscure, traditional Italian hair style known as il mulletino. Semin’s lips are pursed, balancing his standoffish, pensive attitude with an air of femininity.

The artist clearly demands that we treat Alex as a whole person with manifold facets.  He confounds us, flusters us, enrages us; and finally, he seduces us.

There are few subjects in the fine art world as contentious as Semyon Varlamov.  It is as loaded with hidden meaning as much as any pieta, and therefore,  a semyona image must be considered within its historical context.   Illustrated sometime in the late March or early April periods, this work of art captures the wunderkind in a transitional phase.   The artist chose not to adorn Varlamov with his traditional unibrow appearance, perhaps a cynical commentary on the transience  of youth?  The figure’s undersized eyes unsettle the audience, creating a tension that can be resolved only by looking away.   His grotesque ears and the bags under Varly’s eyes make the artist’s contempt for the subject unmistakable.  Alex Ovechkin’s machismo and Alex Semin’s pansexual inscrutability are wholly absent, leaving a clear message.  The artist is a Theodore fan.

This concludes our walking tour. Please thank Sara, who assures she is actually a terrific artist (and we believe her), in the comments below. Finally, remember that the RMNB Portait Gallery and Nacho Eatery is supported entirely by patron contributions (also a dubious Sham-Wow reselling racket). Feel free to share your masterworks with us and the world.