In lieu of ordering, just hand these to the server.

In olden times, victorious warriors would gather in the great mead halls to celebrate battles well fought. They would drink ale, swap war stories, consort with wenches, and tear into massive legs of meat. Our world today is not much different. Sports fans– proxy warriors themselves– return from high-scoring games to gather at a modestly priced, appetizer-crazy sports bar to drink diet soda, talk about the game, flirt with disinterested waitresses, and eat complimentary buffalo wings. Such is the tale tonight.

This season, Glory Days Grill naïvely entered into a marketing campaign with the Washington Capitals. It seemed harmless at first: if the Caps score five or more goals at a home game (imaginary quote: what are the odds of that happening?), ticket-holders can get ten free wings at their local eatery. It seemed like a innocent promotion: get the brand name out, support a newly popular team, get some rear ends in the restaurant’s seats. But here we are the tail-end of January, and the Caps have already recorded NINE 5+ goal games at home this season (someone get Dan Steinberg an abacus) [Ed. note-Señor Steinberg includes the preseason in his calculation. Our bust.]. Verizon Center sat 18,277 fans at each of those sell-out games.  That makes 1,644,930 FREE wings for thrifty Caps fans.  Heads are surely rolling at the Glory Days global headquarters.

Tonight, friend-of-the-blog and aspiring sports photographer Stevie K. treated me to some of these free wings. K attended last night’s stomping of the Anaheim Ducks and was kind enough to share his good fortune with me. “Peter”, he said, “did you know that food tastes better when it’s free?” I didn’t believe him, but I was willing to find out for myself.

In case you suffer from R. Kelly’s affliction, here’s the story told in pictures:

Stevie K shows the tickets to Emmy, the world's fartiest Caps fan.

Victorious warrior or shameless opportunist?

I dedicate these wings to Alexander Semin and the ever-elusive hat trick.

Elapsed time from previous photo? 2:30

We were sat next to a kind couple decked out head-to-toe in Caps gear.  They admitted to being season-ticket holders (section 421, holla!), and regulars at Glory Days.  I spotted a few other Caps fans in the room as well, all watching the Flyers-Thrashers and Penguins-Senators games with mild boredom.  Or was it scorn?  Our server, Chris J., tells me that he has served over 100 meals of free wings this season.  It’s something of an epidemic for them, but they were in quite good spirits about it.

And a final note: folks, make sure you tip your server as if you paid full price.