Peter’s Scifi/Fantasy Draft: Making RMNB Last

You are about to read an essay commissioned by RMNB Platinum Patron Michael Reschly as part of the Making RMNB Last campaign. Michael chose the topic, and now Peter must write about it. Game on.

Michael has asked me to draft a hockey team using only scifi and fantasy characters. My entire life was leading up to this moment and now we are here. Michael suggested Harry Potter as first-line center and Chewbacca as goalie, and that’s when I stopped paying attention to his ideas.

First, some self-imposed limitations: none. Anything goes. Let’s party.

Okay, I need some dazzling offense, lots of firepower, and some superstar attitude. That’s why, at first-line center, I’m going with my favorite character in all of fiction, Spider-Man. He’s the most dedicated player on the ice, unafraid to sacrifice the body for the benefit of the team, and man does he ever have some moves. At left wing we’ve got The Saint of Killers from the Preacher series of comic books, who has never missed a shot, and at right wing we’ve got Jake from Adventure Time, who can fill any role and is completely loved in the locker room.

The second line is all about surprise, that’s why I’ve got three underrated players who can do real damage. At left is River Tam, the Alliance’s science project turned rebel savior. At right is Lee from Enter the Dragon, who combines martial skill with metaphysical awareness– a shoe-in for the Lady Byng. And centering them is Kid!Loki, the infinitely and recursively mischievous god who only fleetingly had a heart  of gold. If anyone can find a play where one doesn’t exist, it’s the Laufeyson.

My third line is all about dynamism, which is why it’s centered by the Captain America villain Taskmaster, who can mimic any action he sees, making him the perfect utility player. On his wings are Deadpool and Deathstroke, just to underline how repetitive that look and type of character has been in comics over the last 25 years.

Payno0 on deviantart

Rounding out the forwards , it’s all about heart. That’s why I’ve got left wing Ellen Ripley, a by-the-books vet who would do anything for her teammates (unless they should be in quarantine). On the right is Gimli, son of Gloin, who isn’t fast but boy can he hit. And at center is clutch machine Wall-E, a true grinder and fan favorite.

Our top-pairing defense has some of the best chemistry the league has ever seen. It’s Gertrude Yorkes and Chase Stein from Marvel’s Runaways. She, somehow, is allowed to bring her deinonychus on the ice and his special power is, well, I’ll let him tell you…

The second pairing defense is 355 from Y: The Last Man, the best bodyguard anyone could ever ask for, and Worf, son of Mogh, who I think is unfairly maligned as always being wrong. I mean, at least he’s not Colonel Tigh.

And my bottom pairing is Mikasa and Eren from Attack on Titan, who we won’t see nearly enough of on the ice, but they’ll make huge impacts when deployed.

My goalie is E. Honda from Street Fighter, who has got the size and the speed. Should he fall in battle, we’ve got Snorlax (#143 in your PokeDex) as backup.

Behind the bench is Admiral Thrawn, who is a great leader who sees the virtue in everyone and he really isn’t that evil if you think about it. And calling the shots from the GM booth is Paul Redeker from World War Z. He’s kinda/sorta evil, but in a thoroughly necessary way. (I like my coaches and managers a good distance away from lawful good on the alignment spectrum.)

That lineup again:

Thanks, Michael, for the great topic.

Readers, I invite you to sound off on my picks or share your own. And stand by for the next installment of the Making RMNB Last essay series.