The Washington Capitals are no longer the masters of the universe. Consequently, you as an RMNB reader no longer deserve the delight that is two straight weeks of everyone’s favorite summer series, Not Up For Debate. Instead, and as punishment for the failure, here is one full week of Not Up For Debate. Presenting the most popular series ever on RMNB, in which we will finally understand the true nature of the 2018-19 Washington Capitals through the prism of stupid popular culture. It’s called Not Up For Debate because everyone agrees that these are the universal consensus picks.

In today’s installment, which character from Parks & Recreation or The Office were each of the 2018-19 Caps?

Nicklas Backstrom, Pam Beasley

The heart of the team with an indomitable spirit.

Travis Boyd, Jerry

Gets limited respect but has a lovely family.

Andre Burakovsky, Jim Halpert

The hapless doofus going through a lot but will win you over, eventually.

John Carlson, Mona-Lisa Saperstein

Caps player most likely to call an opponent a jagweed.

Brett Connolly, Ron Dunn

Simple and pure. A right-thinking individual.

Pheonix Copley, Ron Swanson

The other kind of Ron.

Christian Djoos, Champion, the three-legged dog

We love him despite and because of his LBI.

Nic Dowd, the whole band Mouse Rat

Nothing fancy.

Lars Eller, Li’l Sebastian

It has long been a tenet of N.U.F.D. that Lars Eller is a horse, not a tiger.

Carl Hagelin, Norman “Typhoon” Montalban

He has the best hair in Pawnee.

Braden Holtby, Darryl

Chillest overall dude, plus musical.

Dmitrij Jaskin, Toby

Why do you hate Toby so much? Leave Toby alone.

Nick Jensen, Ann Perkins

Competence above all.

Michal Kempny, Andy Dwyer

He fell into the pit last spring.

Evgeny Kuznetsov, Andy Bernard

I wish there was a way to know you were in the good old days before you actually left them.

Matt Niskanen, Karen

Important role player who was gone too soon.

Dmitry Orlov, Chris Traeger

I forget why I picked this one tbh.

Brooks Orpik, Creed

I guess Orpik could be Chris Traeger too. This feels like a cheap old joke. I don’t know if I stand by this pick. Oh well, it’s not up for debate.

T.J. Oshie, Mayor Gunderson

I worry this job is going to kill him.

Alex Ovechkin, Greg Pikitis

He’s beginning to feel like a prank god, prank god.

Jonas Siegenthaler, Perd Hapley

New instant fave.

Devante Smith-Pelly, Jerry Jamm

He and the Caps both kinda got jamm’d on the last contract.

Chandler Stephenson, Clark Green

What do you do here.

Jakub Vrana, Erin

Positive vibes forever.

Tom Wilson, Robert California

There is only sex. Everything is sex. Do you understand that what I’m telling you is a universal truth?

Though the series is called Not Up For Debate, I’m leaving the comments open. So you can compliment me. For the very good picks. Appreciate the congrats.