In the trailer for the new Independence Day movie, the voiceover is all like, “We knew it would happen again. We just didn’t know it suck super duper hard.”
THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
We know the Caps were designed by the Old Ones to teach man how to suffer. We know this. We’ve even gotten used to it a bit. But this is worse. THIS IS SOOOO MUCHHHH WORSEEEEE.
Everything was fine. The Capitals were driving play, but pesky penalties kept putting them on defense. And then a puck hopped off Taylor Chorney’s skate and past Braden Holtby. Then an empty netter.
IS THAT IT?! That’s all? Oh, it burnsssss IT BURNSSSS
Flyers beat Caps 2-0. Caps lead the series, I guess, 3-2.
Joe B suit of the pain
Are you fine? I’m fine. I super duper dandy okay, hockey friends of mine. Everything is peachy.
See you on Sunday when the reckoning claims the last ounce of hope from the desiccated husk of your chest, which once contained a heart but now merely counts shots on goal by the dozen, each more fruitless than the last, each a reminder of an existence that is controlled by fickle fates that just fuck with us for fun.
Have a good night.
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