In the trailer for the new Independence Day movie, the voiceover is all like, “We knew it would happen again. We just didn’t know it suck super duper hard.”

THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE THAT.

We know the Caps were designed by the Old Ones to teach man how to suffer. We know this. We’ve even gotten used to it a bit. But this is worse. THIS IS SOOOO MUCHHHH WORSEEEEE.

Everything was fine. The Capitals were driving play, but pesky penalties kept putting them on defense. And then a puck hopped off Taylor Chorney’s skate and past Braden Holtby. Then an empty netter.

IS THAT IT?! That’s all? Oh, it burnsssss IT BURNSSSS

Flyers beat Caps 2-0. Caps lead the series, I guess, 3-2.

• A few months ago, I made a joke about Justin Williams being “Mister Game Five.” That’s not funny anymore. There are no laughs. It’s the last 10 minutes of Requiem for a Dream on my couch right now. Williams earned 8 penalty minutes on three penalties, two of which were high-sticking. After a fast start for the Caps, all those penalties were deflating.
• That’s not to say the Caps penalty kill wasn’t superb. They were. At one point they were playing four-corner keep-away. It was a wonderful PK effort until the moment one penalty expired and an own goal promptly followed.
• During even strength, the Capitals were aggressive and persistent. 5v5 was a blowout. 63 to 17. The Caps didn’t get a lot of high danger chances, but they certainly put a high volume of shots on Michal Neuvirth, whom I do not like very much right now, no.
• An own goal? A gosh darn own goal? A razzle frazzle, puck-off-a-friendly-player goal? Taylor Chorney, we’re not mad, we’re just really disappointed. Actually, the commenters might be mad. Let’s check in with them shortly.
• Beyond Chorney and Williams, I thought every one of the Caps was pretty terrific. I couldn’t ask for more. Except for maybe goals. Yeah, I suppose I could ask for goals. I know the game’s over, but I’ll ask now. Hey boys, how about some goals? I’m at the raggedy edge here guys.
• Jason Chimera boarded. Marcus Johansson did not.
• Corsi is a lie, and life is meaningless. Why even. Why do we sports? We should just play Mario Kart. We should just play Go Fish. We should just watch The Bachelor.
• Braden Holtby was good. He’s always good. How does this keep happening. HOW DOES THIS KWRPP HAREUONQOUNG

Joe B suit of the pain

Are you fine? I’m fine. I super duper dandy okay, hockey friends of mine. Everything is peachy.

See you on Sunday when the reckoning claims the last ounce of hope from the desiccated husk of your chest, which once contained a heart but now merely counts shots on goal by the dozen, each more fruitless than the last, each a reminder of an existence that is controlled by fickle fates that just fuck with us for fun.

Have a good night.

Full RMNB Coverage of Game Five