Photo credit: Clydeorama

[Ed. note: This summer, RMNB will review each Washington Capitals player. We will discuss each roster player by the standards we deem important, such as statistical performance and alternate-universe superhero identity. Enjoy.]

There was no sophomore slump for Karl Alzner. The Caps’ young stud defenseman continued to play big minutes in all situations and keep a level head while doing so. Sure, he made a few mistakes this season. Perhaps three and a half mistakes, but he has to do that, so that people don’t catch onto the fact that he’s perfect.

Cap Hit for 2011-12: $1.285 M. Alzner is signed with the Capitals through 2012-13, and will be RFA following the expiration of that contract.

Best Moments: We all know about his flawless defense, but we liked him fighting Steve Downie, and calling Milan Lucic a crybaby.

Credit: welshhockeyfan.tumblr.com

We also probably enjoyed his dogs trashing his house a lot more than he did.

Things We Said About Karl Alzner: “Karl Alzner is soooo underrated. We saw him at this tiny venue years ago when he wasn’t even famous.”

Alignment: Lawful Good

First Irrelevant Google Images Result:

Photo credit: Nick Wass

Media Consensus: Caps media: “Oh my god, Karl Alzner.” Other media: “Who?”

Alternate Universe Superhero Identity: Beardman, one half of the superhero team-up known as Carlzner.

Spirit Animal: Young buck.

Photo credit: Dale Willett

Team Role: Exceptional shutdown defenseman, solid and responsible positional player. It is also Karl’s job to babysit defensemen who are struggling at any given time.

Execution of that Role: Alzner was a rock on the blueline even during the tough times this year, making his value clear while drawing little attention to himself.

Postseason Performance: Alzner and defensive lifepartner John Carlson did a great job shutting down Boston’s top line, and continued to be the Caps’ best defensemen on the ice throughout the rest of the playoffs. He also probably saved the season right here.

Beard Rating: Eleven out of ten.

Photo credit: Caps 365

We are not worthy.

Likeliness to Return: Nine out of ten. If there any goodness or justice in the world, Carlson and Alzner will be anchoring the blueline and being weird roommates for the Capitals for a decade to come.

Usefulness in a Post-Apocalyptic Setting: Karl is smart and has good instincts, plus he could probably defend us pretty well. (Get it? Defend? …We’ll be here all week, tip your waitress.) Six out of ten.

Overall Year-End Rating: Ten Good Sashas.