Not Alex Ovechkin. (Pic via capitals.com)

For those of you who like the All-Star Game, good news: this game was just as loose and ridiculous as you could have possibly dreamed. For those of you who dislike the All-Star Game, good news: it’s over.

We return to real hockey on Tuesday and thank goodness for that, but it was a nice weekend of rest for most of our team, and a nice weekend of dumb, mindless spectacle for hockey fans. I expect to see the rest of the Caps come back with suntans, and Dennis Wideman to come back with a smile on his face. As silly as most of the actual events of the weekend are, recognition is and always will be one of the best feelings in the world, especially for a guy like Wideman that rarely gets what he deserves.

It’s still official Dennis Wideman Day for the rest of Sunday, and then after that you can go back to your regularly scheduled Caps fandom.

Best Moments

• Remember that time that Henrik Lundqvist said that Marian Gaborik couldn’t score on him? Gaborik should have made him bet on it. He had two goals against his teammate, and on the first one he went down into Artem Anisimov’s “shotgun” goal celebration. Luckily John Tortorella appeared to think this was very funny. Either that, or that was his crazy laugh.
• Dennis Wideman was paired with Dion Phaneuf today…in a game where players don’t hit, which basically negates any value that being paired with Dion Phaneuf could have had. Sorry, Dennis.
• A good moment to ask Alfredsson for an in-depth retrospective on his career is definitely when he is on the ice in the middle of a hockey game.
• Due to overwhelming demand, Drake performed at intermission. We were in tears. He is truly this generation’s Shakespeare.
• Tim Peel was a referee for the game, and had to be told several times to stop trying to call diving on Alex Semin.
• Gaborik scored three goals for a hat trick, but no hats were forthcoming. One guy tried to throw a hat on the ice–a referee threw it back. Buzzkill.
• Hartnell after he scored: “Woo! The Sedin triplets!”
• The Kessel-Lupul line scored twice. The Ottawa crowd was quick to celebrate their careers and accomplishments in a game that crosses all team lines. Also tonight in almost-irony: Tyler Seguin was the other player on their line.
• Hometown hero Daniel Alfredsson scored twice in the second period, and the crowd tried to blow the speakers out with the “Alfie” chants. Great moment.
• Scott Hartnell kept tempting us with baby checks–the broadcast team classified them as “bumps”. We just want somebody to flat-out check somebody else. Just one time. Ryan Suter on this: “Someone’s going to have to settle him down. He’s running around there hitting guys.” The horror!
• Steven Stamkos stopped a puck with his stick from the bench so that Dan Girardi didn’t have to chase it down for icing. That’s so illeg–ahhhh, it’s the All-Star Game.
• Awkward Kessel of the night. “Phil, you look good out there, your legs look like they’re moving better than last night!” “Oh, I don’t know about that. I feel awful.”
• The broadcast team recklessly encouraged Claude Giroux to trip Scott Hartnell, who not only immediately took their suggestion but also tried to get other players in on it as well. #pushHartnelldown

Priceisms

Pic: Fred Chartrand

• “Carey, did you get a piece of that?” “Nope. I’ll say I did though.”
• To the ref, when he covered the puck: “Don’t blow that whistle, I want this thing to run out here!”
• On his goalposts stopping pucks: “These guys are awesome tonight. They’ve been excellent all year.” “Did you kiss your posts like Patrick Roy?” “No but I gave them a pretty good love tap here. They were awesome in that sequence.”
• On his teammates: “These guys are playing hard for me right now! I might have to buy them a dinner afterward!” This is apparently very new for Carey Price.
• “Oh, here we go,” I have deciphered, is Price-speak for “please shut up real quick, people are trying to score on me.”

Results

• Winner: Team Chara, 12-9. I can see why the NHL wants higher-scoring games. This was so thrilling and suspenseful.
• Goal Scorers: Gaborik (3), Malkin, Spezza, H. Sedin, Tavares, Lupul (2), Pominville, Alfredsson (2), Kane, Kessel, Iginla, Giroux, Hossa, Chara, Perry, D. Sedin.
• Game MVP: Marian Gaborik
• Wideman ended the night with 20:27 of ice time, a -2, and one assist.
• If you are looking for an extensive gallery of artistic crotch shots, Getty Images has got you covered. This is what the spirit of the All-Star Game is really all about.

And we’ll leave you with this. (Pic: Gregory Shamus)